Friday, July 25, 2008

Muddler

I'm all a muddle. Of feelings that is, my thoughts are quite to the point.
I was fantasizing about him, I had myself worked up to the point that I was about to do something about it when he contacted me. I was excited to hear from him, my thoughts of him and him asking me to get online seemed perfectly in time. I got on and spoke to him, greeted him and mentioned my mindset. He was disinterested, talking to people I seldom talk to and don't typically get on with for whatever reason. It seemed he had summoned me because he was flirting with other girls and wanted me to join in the conversation. I wasn't attuned to the conversation so I didn't have much to say.
So he started flirting with the girl he knows I can't stand. The one person in the room I've told him time and time again disgusts me. She not bad to look at, but her personality makes me want to vomit, or slap her.
I was instantly no longer interested in sex, or him from association with her. As he continued to seek the attentions of this girl, and others in the room, essentially going on and on about how he wanted to fuck all the girls present or known by the group (neglecting to mention me, naturally), I want back to researching my fantasy for a bit, ignoring him and checking back to see what was being said. After a bit I was so upset and put off that I diverted to a fantasy that didn't involve him and flat out ignored his attempts to rouse me into conversation, only answering direct questions as shortly as possible.
The thing of it is, this is becoming regular behavior.
And this when I'm about to purchase event and plane tickets to spend more than a week with him.

And then I was thinking about the man I was with before him, and that did nothing for my mood either. I was unkind to him because I felt offended by things he did, and I shut him out without explaining to him or trying to fix it first. I got a phone call from him a while ago and I feel funny for not returning it. I wish I had stayed friends with him, but I think I fucked that up too much to mend it now.
In a way I think he and I are to similar to have gotten along like that long term.

I snatched a mosquito out of the air, the fact that I was able to do it startled me.

M.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Hm.

I've decided not to make him decide, I think it's best.
He still seems to not be that interested in me, he calls out of habit mostly I think. Talks about nothing, shares nothing, sometimes even sits with the line open saying nothing at all. He doesn't notice my moods, or even really my presence. I don't think he's especially attracted to me anymore, his eyes light when others show interest in him but he doesn't pay any heed to my pleas for his attention.
And the most fascinating part is, it doesn't trouble me that much. I love him dearly, there is no denying that. Sometimes more than I can bear to love him. But I think that he should have what ever he wants, I think that he should have things easier than this. I don't want to hold him back from the possibility of anything better. At the same time I don't want to hurt him if it can be helped. I may think he's better off away from me, but I don't want to inflict the pain of pushing him away.
I think I know what I will do though. I'll make it simple for us both.