Tattoo

I only regret that the things that have changed me the most have not left physical marks, scars to proclaim the most telling moments of my life. I have marks without any story to them, but the most rending events that have transpired have left me untouched, feeling unnaturally blank. I have felt like a page missed by the press, a story unfinished, for the past six years. Now of course there is more than one mark I lack, but the most important one makes me feel unbalanced for the lack of it. Perhaps now my outside will feel closer to matching my insides.

Memory, Mine and Others.

I spent much of the past two days talking to an older fellow.  He brought me to tears many times, and quite easily, but I enjoyed the time speaking to him very much.  He told me plainly things most people don't have the wisdom or bluntness to express.  He spoke to me about my father, my mother, the past, my future, and many other things.  And when I cried I was not the least bit sad.  He was intuitive enough he know, and frank enough to say things about me and my family that I know already, but somehow need to hear out loud.  He reminded me to keep close to my father, to look out for him because he's bad at worrying about himself.  He told me he feels he knows my mother through my father and I.  He told me she would have been happy to see this day, people touring the farm she helped my father plan.  Said he thought she probably had a hand in the timing of it, and I can't help but agree.  He talked to me about my plans for the future, and was the one voice to counter those I know here who tell me I shouldn't move North.  I helped him design the carving of a walking stick he was making to pass the time and he told me matter of factly that he would probably be completely blind within a few years.  He commented that I am more insightful and wise than most of my generation, to which I had to reply that I can't stand most people my own age and have kept the company of those older than me since I was a child.  

Looking at the things he makes I was overwhelmed with the desire to learn to do them as well.  Not really for the crafts themselves, though I admire them and they look enjoyable, but more to spend that time learning more than trades from him.  Perhaps gaining some of his blunt wisdom from the time.  Listening to him talk about this area made my worry for the time when there is no one to remember what he remembers.

I was thinking about my mother, as we spoke of her and as I looked around at all the things there that remind me of her.  The peonies that were her grandmother's, the trees she raised from cuttings, her roses everywhere. I was I could remember her better.  My memory has been faulty for years, but there are some things that I can't stand having forgotten.  

I have to find things to keep me busy tomorrow I don't want to go into my second job and let the day slip away, but I don't want to spend it rotting in my own head either.  

Anyway, I'll stop this disjointed rambling now, good night interwebs.

J.

Revealing Facts Already Known

At my office's staff meeting today we had a vendor representative come in and do a communication style activity.  She used cards with words on them to group us into four little boxes on an axis.  I found it far more telling on the groups attitudes towards each other than the way they interact.  One of the doctors and the majority of the assistants and receptionists were "Green".  The practice manager was "Red".  The other doctor, one of the receptionists, and a tech were "Blue".  We had no one who fell in the "Yellow" category.  When she had us move so we could see what group we fell in, the three people in the blue group attacked me for joining them.  "You're not a blue."  "She the quietest person here." And so on.  The Rep "rescued" me by saying well maybe you're more like that in *social* settings.  We can pretend that.  

The reality is that no one speaks to me and I make a point not to speak to anyone else so they truly have no fucking clue what I'm like, at all.  I'm not comfortable in my place there so I don't speak up when I don't have a reason to.  When ever I ask a question or make a statement I'm attacked by virtually every person there.  So no, they don't know how I communicate because they never communicate with me.  

If we had done that same exercise at my part time job the employees there would have immediately recognized me as fitting that group,  my friends and boyfriend would as well, my family might not because I've changed a lot since I was living with them.  People who actually talk to me, who interact with me beyond them telling me to do something and me doing it for them, they would recognize that I am direct and determined.  

Towards the very end of the meeting we went around seeing if we knew the names of peoples pets, spouses, kids, and what not.  One person knew what breed one of my dogs is, and she didn't even get that completely right.  For every other person at least half the staff knew their pets names and breeds, most of them everyone knew.  I knew at least half of the pet names of even the coworkers who have six or more pets, but no one knew the names of my two dogs.  

I was well aware before of the fact that I'm not a welcome part of the group, and not considered part of the team, but it was a moment of realization to just how much I am unwanted there.  It pisses me off because they never tried, they never welcomed me, they never tried to get to know me.  I immediately was designated as someone who does not matter.   And why share anything with people who have decided you don't matter anyways?

The fact that I'm a dynamic human being who is not at a constant polarity to set traits aside, of course...

I need a new new job, this new job is getting old fast.  

J.

Mail

I find so much delight in packaging things up and sending them off to someone, Imagining their delight and surprise as they reveal the contents. Right now I am waiting for a pan of brownies to cool so I can cut them and pack them up with my other gifts for my angel. No ocassion. I'll send another box for Valentine's day. The one thing that isn't a gift in this package? A pen he left while visiting.

Moving Forward

Yesterday was the one month mark at my new job (note; I did not say anniversary because 'anni' comes from annus which is year in Latin and would be a horrible misuse of the word /end prattle). I think my honeymoon period is beginning to wane. From my first day I did not exactly feel welcomed, I'm not sure if I'm missing something and stepping on someone's toes or if some of the people there are just crabby. Very, very few of them even introduced themselves. Granted I could have introduced myself instead, but I am a shy creature and their brushing past me as though it was not important to know who I was set me to not inform them of who I was. I am beginning to figure out who is who, especially in so far as who I can ask for help or knowledge without being sneered at. I keep out of the way and try to learn what I can. I worked with the son of one of the Techs yesterday and was not too fond of him. I did not loath him but I do not expect to enjoy working with him. He griped at me for not remembering to mark one chart, meanwhile forgetting to mark several himself. He was rough with the dogs he didn't like and spoke badly about nearly all of the animals are referred to. He yelled at me when a dog got loose before bothering to find out I didn't have it running around for the hell of it. I will probably not have to work the same shift as him often so it doesn't bother me much, but first impressions cannot be made over. He and the older guy I work with seem to have a bit of a feud against one another going on quietly, and considering one of them has been nothing but nice to me I can't help but side with him a smidge. I found out today that the reception manager is the stepmother of one of the receptionist/kennel assistants, and while the reception manager is about to move out of state I can't help but feel that all these relatives working together is to my disadvantage, and possible future discomfort if someone decides they have it out for me. For the most part however, I feel I am learning and that everyone will be easy enough to work with I have my duties in the kennel fairly well figured out I'm just getting into the habit of them now.
That's all for now.
J.

workworkwork

I must be starting to sound like a broken record because every time I work my part time job the theme of all conversation thereafter is "I'ma choke a bitch."
I work at a pet store full of people who don't know and don't care about animals. Being a person who is extremely passionate about animals I find myself want them all to go somewhere and die on a daily basis. I would not trust any one of the stores managers with one of my own pets for a single day.
The perfect example of how screwed my store is would be the new manager my store manager promoted. She knows nothing about any kind of animal, has never had any pets, is afraid of most animals, does not even have retail experience to fall back on, is totally unprofessional, and seems to be completely devoid of anything resembling intelligence. But she does know how to kiss ass a little. I have had to close with her for the past three nights and have had to talk myself down from killing her each time. Tonight instead of helping me with closing tasks she sat in the office and waited for my to finish and come sign paper work. Earlier in the evening she fussed at another associate for cooling his heels.
The cats who reside in our store to get exposure for the foster agency they belong to had not been cared for in more than two days, their enclosure was filthy and they were attention starved and fighting with one another. I cleaned, watered, and fed them but did not have time to give them much attention.
No one else in my store had noticed this. I am quite certain they could have stayed that way until when I work again next week and they only would have done something if a customer threw a fit or one of the cats died.
I am going to arrange a meeting with my district manager to tear open the belly of this store and show her the parasites lurking there. I hate being one of the only ones who care. The others who care are seconds away from walking out as well.
I'm so glad I have a new job I like. I can't wait to get out.

National Pride, or What's Left of it

I am proud of this nation, where I was born and continue to live, for choosing the president elect they did. I am just as proud to have not voted for him. I have too much respect for the progress we have made on matters of race as a country to let my vote be influenced one way or another by the race of a candidate. I will be proud to have a biracial man as my president, and will look on hopefully to his future actions in his post. I predict a challenging road for him and wish him wisdom and luck.

I am also proud of the state where I live for after thirty years of being a red state, choosing this election to turn blue even if it was by one of the closest margins in the nation. A quarter of one percent I've heard, not sure if that is the finial number or not.
I liked this guy more than the other one anyway.

J.

Maybe, Maybe Not

Maybe this is how I deserve to be treated.
After all, I am not a good woman.
But maybe, if it is, I would rather be alone

Muddler

I'm all a muddle. Of feelings that is, my thoughts are quite to the point.
I was fantasizing about him, I had myself worked up to the point that I was about to do something about it when he contacted me. I was excited to hear from him, my thoughts of him and him asking me to get online seemed perfectly in time. I got on and spoke to him, greeted him and mentioned my mindset. He was disinterested, talking to people I seldom talk to and don't typically get on with for whatever reason. It seemed he had summoned me because he was flirting with other girls and wanted me to join in the conversation. I wasn't attuned to the conversation so I didn't have much to say.
So he started flirting with the girl he knows I can't stand. The one person in the room I've told him time and time again disgusts me. She not bad to look at, but her personality makes me want to vomit, or slap her.
I was instantly no longer interested in sex, or him from association with her. As he continued to seek the attentions of this girl, and others in the room, essentially going on and on about how he wanted to fuck all the girls present or known by the group (neglecting to mention me, naturally), I want back to researching my fantasy for a bit, ignoring him and checking back to see what was being said. After a bit I was so upset and put off that I diverted to a fantasy that didn't involve him and flat out ignored his attempts to rouse me into conversation, only answering direct questions as shortly as possible.
The thing of it is, this is becoming regular behavior.
And this when I'm about to purchase event and plane tickets to spend more than a week with him.

And then I was thinking about the man I was with before him, and that did nothing for my mood either. I was unkind to him because I felt offended by things he did, and I shut him out without explaining to him or trying to fix it first. I got a phone call from him a while ago and I feel funny for not returning it. I wish I had stayed friends with him, but I think I fucked that up too much to mend it now.
In a way I think he and I are to similar to have gotten along like that long term.

I snatched a mosquito out of the air, the fact that I was able to do it startled me.

M.

Hm.

I've decided not to make him decide, I think it's best.
He still seems to not be that interested in me, he calls out of habit mostly I think. Talks about nothing, shares nothing, sometimes even sits with the line open saying nothing at all. He doesn't notice my moods, or even really my presence. I don't think he's especially attracted to me anymore, his eyes light when others show interest in him but he doesn't pay any heed to my pleas for his attention.
And the most fascinating part is, it doesn't trouble me that much. I love him dearly, there is no denying that. Sometimes more than I can bear to love him. But I think that he should have what ever he wants, I think that he should have things easier than this. I don't want to hold him back from the possibility of anything better. At the same time I don't want to hurt him if it can be helped. I may think he's better off away from me, but I don't want to inflict the pain of pushing him away.
I think I know what I will do though. I'll make it simple for us both.