From the time I was seven years old you were the one who shaped me. As much as my parents ever did you told me what to believe and want and do. When I laughed at the wrong joke you met me with a glare, when I was scared to do something you did it for me or pushed me til I did it myself. When we were younger you invented ghosts and a religion for me and I believed in them. As we grew I followed you and begged you to lead me, to speak when I was shy, to decide when I couldn't. We were as close as two people could hope to be. When I moved farther from you we spoke for hours and saw each other as often as we could. I was far removed from everything there, I had my parents, you, and a few other friends. That was my world. You were not much different, you had your family, your work, and me. We considered each other sisters, you with only brothers and me an only child, we took each other for family completely.
When my mother died I felt like I didn't know how to act, how to live. I felt like no one knew what to say to me or do around me anymore. And that you seemed that way hurt me terribly. So I did my best to be the same person I had always been, to carry on like I didn't need more from everyone, like I wasn't hurting all of the time. And you never asked, never tried to see into my pain. I couldn't drive, I was afraid of the world. My father stopped working and devoted himself to our farm and me, trying to get me to go out into the world more, make friends and learn how to interact with people. I hardly got to see you, and often when I did you had to come to get me and bring me back again. I felt badly for it, I felt burdensome to you at the same time that I was feeling distant to everyone I had always known. You got upset about being the one the have to plan and drive several times and I felt powerless to change it. My father needed my help, my entire world had changed. When my father decided to remarry I suddenly had three more sisters and a brother. And the whole thing drove my mad. My memory of those first few months is a river of tears and a storm of frusteration. And when I was told that I would have to more out of my home and there would be no place for me in the house being redesigned I was heart broken and furious. When our plan to eventually more out together was forced to happen immediately you were upset, you could stay in your home for as long as you liked and you didn't want to have to go out so suddenly into the world. I didn't talk to you about the turmoil I was in, and I knew you were in your own. When we did move in together you spent much of your time back at your parents house and called that home, not our house together. We worked, both disliking our new jobs, and came home to live parallel but seperate lives. When we went out to do things together I felt like we weren;t having enough fun, like part of you was elsewhere blaming me for your unhappiness.
After we had been out of our homes for a month and a half I had barely seen my family and had not spent a night back and you were spend two or three days a week at our house. Your brother had been coming around and hanging out with us, going out with us and your mother. And the two of you seemed to be getting along. I knew that you hadn't been on the best terms when you lived under the same roof, but he had been out of the house for a few years and you seemed to get on better with him since he wasn;t aroung all of the time. I had developed a crush on him a year or more previously, but thought myself foolish for it and a relationship unlikely. So when he took me to lunch and told me he liked me I knew what I wanted, but I didn't know what to do. I knew you weren't happy with him when he got to close to me, and you didn't like it when I flirted with him. When you found out the next day you reacted as I would never have expected. You made him leave and told me you wouldn't be my friend if I was with him. I didn;t know what to say, I felt like I'd been shot. I knew your feelings, but I couldn't give up what I wanted. I know I went about everything all wrong from that point, but I had no idea how strongly you felt about him, how you loathed him. I couldn't tell you I wanted to stay with him, I couldn't say to you that I knew I would love him. I couldn't tell him how much he was like you and how he made me laugh and amazed me by how much he loved me. I was afraid to speak to you, to let you see me with him, to breathe wrong in your presence or say his name. But you never told me, you never told me how he had hurt you, you never told me how he had failed to be the brother you needed. And I never knew that you had such a low opinion of him. I knew he fought with you, I knew he had his flaws, just I do. but I could see the beauty in both of you, I could see the places where you were the same and the places were you were different. And I know I did things wrong, I didn't know how to handle my first relationship, let alone one my best friend and sister didn't approve of. But the way you reacted to everything, the way you treated me, made me stop feeling like I knew you. Like you knew the answers and could be trusted with anything. The way attacked everything I tried to say, and even critisized me for not crying enough, broke my heart. And I can't say anything you won't hate me for, and everytime I've spoken to you since you left I've been left hurting. I've sobbed til I can't breathe for to long in my life. I don't know if I can trust the people I love anymore. But I do know that no matter if you wanted to be my friend again, we couldn't go back to how we were. And I couldn't trust you to not hurt me. The truth is, I don't want you back. If you want to be civil with me, or him, then it's up to you. I won't speak to someone who snaps my heart with every bitter word they say.
M.
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