Things I'd Say, Again.

If you were my friend, you would have talked to me. If you were my friend you would have told me you didn't like me getting close to your brother when you first saw it. If you were my friend you would have told me what you felt when you felt it, instead of blaming my father and me for mourning my mother. If you were my friend you would have helped me grow past my faults instead of saving them for when we were fighting to wield against me. If you were my friend you would understand that I don't belong to you. If you were my friend you would not press me to speak and then interupt me to cut me down for every word I say. If you were my friend you would know that just because I don't weep doesn't mean you hurt me any less.
I used to think you were wise, I used to think of you as logical. But now I know that you only like to seem to know, you like to use some version of logic to your ends. Now I see that all along you spun me closer under your control, told me make believe when we were kids in which you were always the queen, told me what I should think, played the role of teacher, and let me hide behind you when I was shy. Do you realize how brave I had to be to chose to do what I wanted over what you would approve of? If you were my friend you would be able to see yourself as something other than a martyr and victim of my flaws. And I know how you'll react to anything I say or do, so I guess I know you, but I don't understand the way you think or what you want anymore. I may have made a few mistakes, but I didn't betray you as you claim, and you have been cruel to me.
I think there's something wrong with you, everyone keeps asking me if you're seeking professional help, and I wish you would because I think it could help you. If you think you can tell me I'm a coward but you think I'm a beautiful person, then you're wrong. My thoughts of you are not so grand or sweet anymore, I don't want your forgiveness because I did nothing so unforgivable. If you could be the least bit humble or acknowledge your own wrongs then I could have hope for you. But I don't want the person you're being now in my life, no matter the history or pain entailed.
M.