Face

Last night I had a restless night and woke incredibly refreshed. I rose a few minutes after my alarm went off ready to face the day. I had gotten into bed at half past two and had tossed and turned long after the rise of the sun. I sobbed, I had not done so in a while. Either four years or two, I’m not sure which is more accurate. It was one lone sob, an odd feeling to leave it hang in the night but I had no others to follow it. I thought about my feelings and events of my life. Not the overly traumatic ones really, just the ones I have not previously admitted to myself to be just what they were. I admitted anger, fear, affection, and self-hatred. I confessed that I had been treated in ways I never should have tolerated, that worse things had happened to me than I was willing to face at the time. I realized that I had made my fears come true for fear that they were not the worst that could happen. I acknowledged that I am the one person I can’t seem to forgive, I only forget my faults for long enough to find some new reason to beat myself down with them. I have not been loved as I should be by many people in my life. I have been forgotten, betrayed, left, and neglected enough that I do these things to others to prevent them from happening to me again. When people like me even after they get to know me a little I either do what I can to change their minds or remain silent to avoid doing so. I admitted my anger at many people in my life, including many I love. And confessed that I have no reason to despise myself as I do, quietly but firmly in the corners of my mind. I feel like it’s okay to take care of myself, to look myself in the eye. I am not someone so terrible, and what is wrong with me is up to me to face and change.