Sex; Post Break Up (The Farewell Fuck?)

After what was said was said and he went off and then came back again and my best friend came with her boy and made me supper and they went home so I could work in the morning I went to my bed where he was sleeping. He was waiting for me and snuggled against me and touched me. He had told me he still wanted to be with me til we moved apart, I knew and know it's a stupid idea, but I'll do what I can to make the hurt less for him. It's so warped, so laughable. Now that I don't what to be with him, in part because he didn't give me what I needed, he wants me. It's even more of an ironic joke that the sex after I told him I didn't want to stay with him was better than before.
He made his feeble brief attempt to go down on me, more than he had even pretended to think about before. He paid more heed to my responses than before. And he stayed and held me after. He was still too rough with me, I'm tending my soreness even now.
It's odd, somehow after that I don't want him anymore. If he can only be good to me if he's losing me, then he's even less the man for me. He still has a hold on me, I love him and still want him, but I can live without it.
Before I had decided that I really was certain I didn't want to stay with him I never turned him down for sex unless I had to. And if I did have to I would make it up to him. His idea of enough sex had varied from sparse to infrequent in recent months, from once every week and a half to twice a week. I was constantly begging for his attention, sometimes as much because I was crazy about him as because I felt that the only interaction with him I could get was sex. He admitted to me that I wore him out, but I didn't admit to him that when he was worn out I wasn't satisfied.

It's not the only reason I couldn't see myself with him long term, but I don't believe the people who say sex isn't a huge part of a relationship with a spouse. I'm a passionate person, I need someone who wants me as much as I want them, and can talk to me about what they want.

Going to be late for work, more later.
M.

In my head.

I have so many things I want to write about right now, I'm not sure if I can devide them into seperate posts and if I don't then they will become quite rambling and impossible to follow. I want to write about my current situation, I want to write some things I can't say, I want to write my thoughts on how I ended up here and where I'm bound tomorrow. I want to write pointless pretty ramblings.
I feel like my mind is waking up, it's felt asleep all day and now it won't slow down. An agent of my landlord is coming to show my apartment on Friday and I have to clean up. I should go get boxes to start packing, I only have a few months to go through my things and elliminate the unnecessary. I should also groom my dog, poor creature is soon going to be oppressed by the summer heat, which swathes my street as I type this. Though it is only spring. And I've fallen into rambling as I expected, so I am going to change and take my dogs for a walk, then comb the chow a bit, and then take a long shower. By such time as I have gotten all that done, perhaps my mind will have settled and I can take the yolk from the whites in my head.
M.

Why?

I'm never right, even when I know what I'm talking about and he doesn't, even when the facts are screaming that I was right all along. My opinions aren't worth asking about, much less considering. What I think is wrong, and I should change it. His dream is the one we should share, uncompromised. My experiences and thoughts, my daydreams and feelings, are all inconsequential. My desires are inconvienent at best, stupid at worst.
He only wants me when he's been looking at porn before I showed up. I never turn him down, I can't recall a time in months where I haven't had to talk him into having sex with me.
He's rude to my friends, or just stays out of the room I'm in with them all together.
Why would I leave? Why would I stay.
M.

Cats, family, phones, and other fixtures of life.

I went to see my father tonight, to get my new phone with new service and hang out for a bit. I had not seen him since mid January, crazy considering I live half an hours drive from him. He showed me the progress on his house which is nearly done compared to the last time I saw it, and his new beehives, I played fetch with his dog a little as we walked around. He gave me my phone and helped me start my taxes and sat mostly in silence with me. Asking me about my pets, my friends, my boy, during lulls in working out my taxes.
He told me about my little cat, Alanna, that she wasn't with us any more. She would have been eight this August, my tiny orange baby girl. When I got my first cats I got two, mother and daughter dumped at a friend of a friend's home during a party. The mother cat turned out to be pregnant again and soon I had seven cats. My pride, my feline family. I gave one of the kittens to a friend and it was the six of them and me. They would follow me and come to my call, I loved them desperately. We would go into the woods and they would cry if I left them behind til I stopped and waited. I had named some of them after Greek gods and some after characters in a book. Over the years, before I left home and since, they had disappeared, usually more than one at a time. I would speak to my father and he would mention he had not seen this cat or that cat. I don't know if they died or were taken in. Alanna, my father told me, had been having her eye act up again. When he took her to the vet they gave him something to feed her and something to apply to the eye, and they drained a cyst on her side as well, my father treated her for two days and then she vanished. He thought she might be mad about the medicine, but she never came back. He told me how the neighbors cat had been giving her trouble, he was sure if she had fallen prey to something in the woods because of her impaired sight or lost a fight to one of those cats. Or if she had merely found some people who would let her inside and fed her something better than he did.
Only one of my kitties remains on this earth that I know of. Apollo, sweet golden cat, living with my former best friend. I have not seen him in ages, but I know he is still out there, my sweet kitten. I miss them.
M.

Fishy, fishy, fishy!

I got my koi, geez... must be last month now. Haven't been blogging a bit. I have two comet goldfish and three koi. They're grand. I have a 40gal aquarium, which they will be ok in for a while but I will have to upgrade eventually. It's the biggest aquarium I've ever had. I'm starting to think of fish like dogs because of how sweet and clever my koi are. I love watching them, and it's going to be great to watch them grow up. I gave them all nifty names. I'm batty.
Photo album of fishyness- http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v291/JessieKL/Koi/
M.

Rambly

I don't want a white picket fence, forget that happily ever after theme. That's the good part and I want mine to shine, be my very own, built of my toil. I don't want to be a wife, I shiver to hear that word not followed by a name or preceeded by a man's name. I'll stand on my own, create my own things, run my own life. I want a child to raise my way, the way my mother inspired. I want my own home, full of sun and books, kitchen smells and bits of creations, animals coming and going all days along with friends and loves. Not busy, but not lonely. My own balance. I want work I can smile because of, bring my life to. I want my dreams, my way, and I'm not settling, compromise I can, but not settle.
M.

Seshomaru Mushuggah

Last night my betta died, he was about 2 years old which is as long as they live. He had been slowing down and showing his age so I wasn't too shocked. Poor old man. He was white with blue flecks on his fins and in his prime he was quite lovely. I'm not sure if I will get another or not, I've been thinking about some different fish for a while so I might just get a big tank and do that.
RIP Seshy Meshy.

M.

Ferret!

On Saturday a woman came into my store to put her ferret up for adoption, on Saturday evening I adopted a ferret. :D She is a five month old cinnamon brown baby girl. She's small and sweet. My bf and I have named her Ren, her old name was Zoe. I got the cage her former owner had for her and it's pretty tiny but she'll manage in it for a bit, when I move I'll get her a big one and a ferrety playmate.
She's quite mellow for a ferret, she will fall asleep in my arms and kiss my face and neck and be quite calm. But when she doesn't want to hold still she won't. Her ears are dirty and she has a lump under her skin on her face so I'm going to get her checked out by a vet but she is quite active and playful and is eating and all that. Shadow and her ferret came over for a playdate and the two of them got on wonderfully. They played for something like four hours and she slept really hard when they went home.
I'm so excited, she's awesome. My first ferret. My very own fuzzy baby.
^_^
M.

grr

"twice in one day, eh? that's... fun." He says.
But he makes himself a liar by instisting they go to sleep.

What the fuck ever. He thinks I'm kidding when I say I'll find someone else to sex me.

M.

The Only Way to Start the Day.

I woke up wanting him, not to say that I woke up and wanted him but I actually woke from wanting him. I tried to rouse him with kisses and carressing but he slept on soundly. I looked at the clock and thought it said nine something so I tried to get back to sleep, and failing that I tried to wait for my alarm to go off so I had an excuse to wake him up. I waited and tried to curb my desire. The hour changed and my ten o'clock alarm didn't go off. I took a closer look at the clock. 8:01. Good grief, I only went to bed six hours ago. I tried, again, to fall back asleep, or at least doze. No luck. So I slipped out of bed carefully so as to let him sleep some more and went to my computer to occupy myself with coin articles and erotica till a more reasonable hour. At nine-thirty I slipped back into bed and nestled into him, waking him without a word.
Wow.
You know how they say the longer you wait for something the better is when you get it?
Sooo true.

M.