How Odd.

I got home from my vacation late in the morning on Monday. Upon returning home to my apartment I greeted all my animals and they greeted me. My betta fish flared up his fins and gills and danced about to welcome me. Later that afternoon when I was checking on my rats in the same room I found him on the counter. He had been out of the bowl too long to rescue, he had already begun to dry up. It was a gallon bowl, with a good two inches between the water and the lip of it. For all the time I had spent watching him swim about and build his bubble nest I had never seen him jump out of the water even when riled. My poor fishy. Rest in peace, Bootsy you nutty fish.
M.

You Know I'm No Good.

The only person who believes me when I say I'm evil is my best friend, she knows it, she and I are of the same mind, she's seen it, and I trained her in my ways. The rest laugh at me when I tell then, wide eyed, that I'm trouble. They'll call me cute, dismiss my warning. But I'm a heartbreaker, not that I intend to be. I'm too easy to love, too willing to love back. I will hurt them without planning to, and shed not a tear. No matter how my heart writhes in my chest. Maybe it's just my own unique damage, for often it seems my fault is loving too much, caring too much. I'd rather break someone's heart outright then stab them in the back a little more each day down the line, at least this way I can stay up all night and fix it a little. I have too many men swooning over me, and countless more who simply want me, it's a dangerous thing.
It's not a good thing, they can't tell I'm a bad woman, and I only go for good men.
M.

Georgous Uncertainty.

In less than a week I leave on a plane to visit a man I have never seen face to face before. I have known him for about six months on the web, talked to him online for hours, and on the phone for hours on top of that. I don't feel that he's a stranger at all, but I am aware that I don't know him well. I have no hesitation in this, no doubt about what I'm doing. If I am with him for a little less than a week and he decides I'm not what he wanted me to be, or I decide he's not as remarkable as I was convinced he was, than so be it. Better to know, better to know his smell and taste and feel and never know it again than to ache for him and never know. If it makes me a bad woman to do what I do and choose what I choose, than I can live with that fact. I don't have to be good, I don't have to live as I'm expected to. I won't regret my misdeeds, but I shall learn from them always. He's so beautiful, not just in body, but in mind and heart, that I know however long I'm allowed with him will be something I cherish. I can work out the future once I know more than the simple, blinding fact that I want him.
So here's to latest adventure in this little life of mine.
M.

I'm Only Easy on the Internet.

Ok, so that's a complete misnomer, I don't think I would ever call myself easy. What I mean to convey is that the internet is such a easy place to live dangerously, no one can touch you, your actions don't have to come back on you. And there are so many people, sometimes it feels like you can get all the world in one room having an intimate little chat. Because there are so many people who can feel free to express what ever they wish I find that there are numerous people I would love to have the chance to fall for out there in the world wide web. Sadly none of them are extremely close to my physical location, and in fact some of them are quite far away. People often caution that someone you meet on the internet will probably either turn out to be not at all as amazing as you hoped, or to be a psyco killer/rapist/freak. I have a friend in real life who I first knew on the internet from a great distance away, and he's just who I believed him to be, I've known people for long periods of time via the internet and considered them as much friends as those I saw face to face regularly. I'm not an easy woman to get, but I can be an easy woman to love, the thing I find the most endearing in another person is how much they love me. That's not all it takes to win my affection, but it's a big weakness of mine. These people I adore, part of my affection towards them stems from the look on their faces when they speak to me, or the warmth in their voices.
M.

The Same Words, Again and Again.

I have finished moving out of my old place, the lease ended last Saturday and I was there until midnight cleaning without power or company. What a way to end things. My ex provided little to no help with the clean up and waited till the last minute to have his stuff out of my way for me to clean the place. Typical. When he was there he hovered over me and watched me, stared at me more accurately, and occassionally said random innane things that he seemed to consider chitchat. Shadow told me she didn't want me alone with him, ever. Puck made fun of him and grumbled about him, in turns. I'm just happy to be free. I've been asked about the details of why I left him by a few people, mostly ones who don't know me too well, and I really can't go into it. It makes me too uncomfortable to go over, Shadow knows the details, and Puck in so much as she has told him and I have told him which is probably not all of it. Both of them would react violently if he were to try to touch me, let alone harm me. My father and stepmom don't know the details, they know some of it, what I could handle telling them, but they will probably never know some of the deails. It may be healthy to speak your trials, but that's only true if it won't cause you more harm than good to do so. And I will talk about it, when I'm far enough away from this moment to feel safe recalling it. Until then I have my life to carry on with.
M.

Happenings.

I've just returned home from work and am quite tired, but I feel like rambling about recent goings on in my life regardless. At lot is happening at my workplace right now, but none of it seems particularly good. We got a new assistant manager and I already don't like her, both of my team leads were fired and/or forced to quit (one was arrested. craziness), and several other new employees have been hired. I have only met two of the new people, one I immediately deemed rude because she neither greeted me nor introduced herself to me, and the other seems nice enough but is already seeing how much working there sucks so I fear she'll leave even having just started. My store manager is a jerk, to the extent that my customers tell me they're sorry for me. My assistant manager can't seem to manage mornings worth a damn, she comes up with the worst order to do things in and makes time consuming suggestions while doing nothing herself. The floor crew seems to think she's ok, but I don't think she's good for the front of my store. I'm going to talk to the vet one of the team leads I lost suggested and see if I can get a job there, even if it's part time.
I have my desk and chair moved into my apartment, however I don't have the desk put together yet. It's still in pieces in my livingroom. I'm going to try and take care of that tonight. I think a few car loads and truck loads will finish my moving, then I have to let the ex know that if he doesn't have his shit out by a enough time before the lease ends for me to clean the place then I'm hauling it all to the dump.
My rat pups are growing steadily, they're fully furred and will soon be opening their eyes and starting to wreck havoc in my house I'm sure.
I need to learn that night is for sleeping, even typing it out I don't buy it...
I'm taking a vacation at the beginning of July, I'll be away from home for Independence day so I'll have to find some fireworks to watch somehow.
I have to have everything out of my old place and have it clean by nnext Saturday. Oy.
M.

Go ahead and call me crazy, I do.

On Sunday morning I came into work to open my store. I work in a pet store so we go in a few hours before opening to care for the reptiles, birds, fish, and small mammals that call the store home until they go home with one of our customers. I started my tasks and a coworker came in and began to help me. I was working on one small animal cage while he did another when he started freaking out. He locked up the cage and backed away quickly as I came to see what the fuss was. One of our adult female rats had given birth in the night and nine tiny pink babies lay in a pile. We seperate our animals by sex, those that aren't spayed and neutered anyways, so I checked all of the rats and there was no male in the cage by then so someone had realised their mistake at some point. Or intentionally put males and females together and then seperated them again. Regardless, the end result was a bunch of rat pups. I set up a cage in our back room and transfered the babies and identified the mother and moved her back with them.
The guy who takes care of our reptiles in the mornings feeds the babies to monitors and snakes when an unplanned birth such as this happens. I'm not sure why exactly, but I felt a particular empathy for these poor little creatures, doomed to be born one day and dead the next. I had also been intending to get myself a pet rat soon, I asked my manager if I could take them, she said just don't bring them back. At the end of my shift I tried to talk myself out of it and failed, bought a water bottle, nestbox, and bowl, and brought them home in a paper box. I set them up in a tiny plastic cage I had sitting around, too cramped for a rat however she was doing nothing but tending to her babies so she could manage in a small space for a few days. I read up on the best foods and got a rat book and settled in to watch them grow. And grow they have. A full five days old now they have the beginings of fur and I can see what colors they are likely to become.
All told I have ten rats. As far as I can tell at this point, two little boys, seven little girls, and their mother. When I look for homes I'll look for commited homes that will take two of them. They're social creatures.

I'm mad, totally and completely crazy. But I knew that already.
M.

A Day Out of My Life.

Last night I spent the night at a friend's house, woke with my back hurting again about as badly as before. I went to breakfast with my host and called Shadow to have her pick up my last pay stub for our lease application on her way out to meet me in our future home city. J and I had a theogical discussion about the devil, the former angel Lucifer, weather the other names he's called are actually the names of seperate demons and the apearence of the devil himself. We agreed that to wasn't a bright red goatman with a pointy tail, and I suggested that his shapeshirting reputation might mean that he became what ever his observer feared most. She pointed out the suduciveness of the devil and we agreed that he might become what ever his observer desired when using the more incubbus like traits of his shapeshifting.
I teased her, "I wish the devil would come so that her could take the form of GG." I know her so well.
Quite the blasphemous conversation, but we're both atheists anyways so our ticket to hell is pre-punched.
I went to meet Shadow and her hubby after I brought J home and I put in my rental application and deposits and fees and confirmed the apartment and date that I will start to move in. Now we just have to wait for our background and credit checks to go through. I'm looking forward to this coming summer. I came home to pack and take care of my critters (which I am currently running behind on as I write this) and found that my toys had come in the mail today. I took a shower to break them in, another thing I'm looking forward to about being by myself for a bit is uninterupted playtime.
My ex came home and fussed at me about not telling him I was going to be gone all night, which I had said righ before I left. And made some awkward comment about being glad I was fine. And when I told him about the apartment he made a comment about how he shouldn't get an apartment there too because the idea was to give me space.
Ok, I never said anything as vague as misleading as to ask for time apart or space, he has decided that when I asked to break up with him I just needed to live apart for a while. Does he not see the look on my face when he tries to touch me? Does he not understand that I did not break up with him on some whim? It seems I have to draw the line on his face for him to be able to see it. I'm talking to him when he comes home again. He has to be plainly told this is not a break, I don't want to have his babies, I'm not the love of his life, and I'm not coming back to him.
The fact of his current reaction has killed all of my attraction to him. He's acting like a dumb animal.
I that sounds harsh, but it's true.
M.

The Adventures of Shadow and Mouse. (Not all that exciting)

On friday night Shadow, my bestest friend, and I determined to have an adventure. Go somewhere and maybe even socialize with some people we didn't know. So we found Shadow a pretty white halter shirt with a kerchief hem to wear with her dark skirt and striped leggings. We returned to my house to rumage through my full closet and dresser and Shadow insisted I wear an insanely sexy tight black top with open sides that had been hiding in my drawer with my favorite pair of jeans and a red shirt to keep me from freezing to death just walking to the car. We departed for downtown of my city, Durham, at about ten thirty I believe. The first place we went was a lesbian club that was not even open, not sure if it was too early or what but we made our way to the other place we had been trying to get to for a while. This place was a mix club and they were just opening as we pulled up, Shadow asked the fellow opening up how the night was looking and he informed us that the club would be populated on this evening by gay black guys and only two of the four floors would be open. Nothing there for us. So we asked him where else we might go and he suggested a place in the next city, Raleigh, where I was born. We called and got directions and got there, only nearly getting lost on the way. The place was a gay and lesbian club and was fairly dead when we got there so we explored and waited around for a while. Shadow talked to the bartender and somehow ended up getting us two free virgin drinks and also finding out it was likely to be mostly gay guys all evening here as well. We saw maybe four ladies besides ourselves in the whole place, not including the drag performer who showed up and hung out after we had been there for a while. I was distract texting a certain hottie while I finished my pineapple-strawberry and who knows what else drink. After we had sat around for a bit deciding if we wanted to stay any longer we bailed and saw another gay and lesbian club down the block. On the walk down we were accosted by a worker for a testing tent set up in a parking lot between the two, for a vial of your blood they would give you a pass to get into one of the clubs free. We decided to go for it. They were testing for HIV and syphilis and I figure, better to know weather you are healthy or not than to assume you are and find out down the line you're not. So Shadow and I filled out forms and signed waivers and sat down to have our blood drawn. The last time I was in a needles and blood setting I was getting stitches and I started having a panic attack in the middle of it. So I was a bit nervous. The woman I sat before had bleach blonde hair and a typical southern demeanor of "Shug" and "Hun". I had to remove my long sleeve shirt and fight the shivers. First she tried my right arm, probing the needle about to seek a vein, no luck. When she pulled the needle out I didn't even bleed. She moved to my left arm and exclaimed that that was where all my veins were. She had neglected to ask if i was a righty or a lefty. I looked away as she jabbed me again and sought a vein. After a moment she pulled the needle and informed me it wasn't meant for me to have my blood drawn, my vein had blown. She offered to try again with a different vein and I declined deciding my regular doctor had not seen me in too long anyways. She threw away the half vial of blood and gave me a pass for the club anyway. Shadow told me the man who had drawn her blood, who had been a very sweet seeming fellow, said that the woman I had been placed with was not the best one for me to have gone to. Too little too late. We went into the next club and found it to be more crowded but prossessing no more ladies than the last. It was mostly hispanic guys and the few chicks we saw seemed to be together. The music wasn't to our liking and it was generally a bust. After a few laps around the place we had to go back out and stand in line for twice as long as we were in the place to get our coats and IDs. We were informed by a gentleman in front of us in line that the place we had come from before was full of stuck up people, which I had been clued in on from a nasty look the few chicks there had given Shadow and I as we came in. I had had to supress my urge to defend my little sis from the catty comment I was sure was whispered as one leaned in the group and laughed. On the way back towards my car we saw snakes in the window of a store that was still open and were drawn inside like magpies after coins. Two huge tanks containing six boas sat on the counters of what turned out to be a sex shop. Unfortunately for us it was a place catering to gay males. Though they did have some very pretty Phallix glass dildos. I heart dichronic glass. We wandered about for a little while and Shadow ended up having to drag me out when the clerk offered to knock fifty bucks off the shiniest dichronic dildo that was already less than I could find it for online. Saving money is hard sometimes...
We got back o the car and I tried to backtrack to where I had come from. We were pretty much lost and Shadow called her hubby to try to get him to give us directions to her house but he was too tired to go get his map so we ended up staying lost for a while till I found somewhere familiar in the city I visit once in a while and moved away from before I reached driving age. I tried to follow the familiar road and Shadow fell asleep for long enough for me to get lost again. After she woke up again and freaked out and settled down again I found my map and my location on it and got her back home, slipping into my house and waking my ex because I was too tired to be that quiet at three thirty in the morning. That after leaving the clubs at half past midnight. I had fun, for all that I didn't find any hot chicks to flirt with or hang out in one place for too long, the whole evening was plenty of entertainment for me.
Not the best adventures ever, but I take what I get.
I can turn anything into a story, even if no else will care to read it.
M.

Light and flesh.

I've been perusing nudes on DeviantART, both drawn and photographed. Something about the way light falls over skin and muscles knit together underneath it is absolutely hypnotizing, especially under the right light from the right angle. I would love to be some artists model, in what ever medium. Photo, paint, clay. I've been drawn before and I would enjoy posing again, to be part of an artists process is a beautiful thing. People are amazing.
M.