Death and Life.

My snake died yesterday. She was fine before that, crawling around, drinking, it was just about time for her feeding. But then, the next morning, curled up motionless. I had been fearing this, my lizard died a month ago, I've been feeling cursed, like it was only a matter of time before things started to die from being near me. She probably had no real affection for me, I admit that, but she was a sweet little creature and I did love her. If I knew what was wrong then I wouldn't be so hurt, if I could have at least tried to help then I wouldn't feel like I missed something. It has to be one of the worst things, having a being in your sole care die, being the god of something's immediate world and failing to live up to that responsiblity. I think I'm going to give up reptiles for a while. I used to be so good with them, but I hate this.

I was thinking last night, while I was working with things of my mother's, getting them ready to sell. I was thinking that I don't think I know anyone else who would admit that they wish they were more like their mother. Not because she was perfect and I worship her, but because her flaws were so small and her good traits were so beautiful. I'm certain that if she had lived to teach me to be the woman she was by example I would not have appreciated that, she had to be absent for me to see her. I realise I didn't really know who she was when I was a kid, I loved her very much, when I was little she was always my world and constant, but I didn't appreciate that and I didn't know her thoughts or the events of her past. Now I find things she wrote and painted and made, and I do feel close to her. I hope the things I love in her are in me, I hope that as I was with her before, I'm simply too close to see them.

M