Games

Does she really think just because she doesn't see me cry it means I don't feel any pain? Is it really that I betrayed her, or is it that I stepped out of her control? Others have characterized her actions as those of a spurned lover, I have to say that that is how she sounds. It's always the same thing, I'm far away so she can't mope around for me to see. So she stays angry for a long time, lets something slip to her mom, who says something to him. Then he'll call me up or talk to me, tell me I should try to talk to her. So I do, and she gets angry. I say something wrong, something that is honest but upsets her, she gets angry or just leaves. And if she knows that I'm talking to her because of someone elses concerns, then, oh then she get livid. She won't speak to me, the last conversation I thought was civil really wasn't. If I don't say exactly what she wants, or do exactly what she wants, then I'm not trying, I don't care, I don't love her enough. She has as much as said these things to me. All these games to push me away and keep me close, a blow up now and then to make sure I still know, and she still has a reason to be angry. I'm not playing this game. People who hear my side think she's crazy, one person who I've delved into every detail with has been in an abusive relationship and says that it was like this, like the way I feel.
I don't miss her, not being with the way she is now, I miss the way we used to be but I wouldn't go back to it. I won't live her expectations, I won't think the thoughts she says are right, act the way she likes, love her and no other. A person cannot be another person's god, it can't last.
And I still love her, because I can't not love her, but I don't want that back. And I won't do this anymore, I won't contact her if this is what happens every time. If she wants to contact me, fine. If she wants to bring attacks and whatever guilt she thinks she can create, I won't have it. I don't want to talk to her, because that isn't talking.
M