Passing Stranger, Remembered

On my way home to get ready for work today I was stopped at a light wait for a break in traffic to turn left and a bicyclist went by. I knew her, or am fairly sure I did. I hadn't seen her since she was seventeen or eighteen, and I was probably fourteen or perhaps even younger than that. But she had the same face, round and seemingly made for smiling with lips to match. And I thought of that time, the time that I knew her. The friends I made then were not close, but they were good none the less. We lived and laughed together, briefly, and said we would see each other again. Many I did see again, and some I never did. But I remember how shining and happy those summer days were, as we went mad with stress and invented private jokes. I was possessed with an urge to follow her, find out if it really was her, but a car following her would frighten her and I was already turning. So I went home, comparing her face to the face I remember and becoming convinced that no random person could bare such a resemblance. So, hi Emma. It's been awhile, hope you're well.
M

Late Night Scribblings

These were written on Friday night, I think. Between eleven and two-thirty, so maybe Saturday morning.

Hate me, love me.
I know I should know the things I deserve. They tell me I should see how I deserve to be treated, to be loved. They can't see under my skin, they can't see the battle I wage to believe my own worth. I tell myself things I should already know and pretend they sink in. I try to stifle the jabs at myself as they surge up in mind. It's harder than they claim, you can't deny your own flaws. Sometimes you can't even see that they are more good than ill for your well being. Yet I feel powerless to stop doing what I don't like, feeling what I know isn't true. And I want to be the one to love myself like I should, but I can't lie and say that I do. I've wanted to tell everyone that I don't deserve them, especially him, but I don't know what reaction I expect. If they tell me how wrong I am I'm just a bitch fishing for a compliment, if they tell me I'm right then where am I? When most of those who once loved me seem to hold me in ghosts of memories, with fondness, I feel lost in the wilderness of who I've been growing into.


You wrap your arms around me and tell me I'm awesome, because it's the only word you can summon to compare to the way you feel. And what can I say to that, to thank and return that amazing feeling. What words can I find while you reach for the essence of that feeling and fall to the word you know. I can only smile and thank you, because I don't know the words either. I can only press them into you through my skin, hold your head to my chest, squeeze you close, stroke your hair. How can you ever ask me to let you go, I know I make it hard for you to even try. The devil in me says, why do something you don't want to? It would be so easy to hold onto you, all of tonight, and tomorrow too. So hard to learn to let you go.

Frusteration and Computer Glitches

Sorry for the lapse. Not that I had nothing to say for once, but my prefered browser decided to stop working with blogger. I can view my blog but I can't go to the blogger home page or sign in. So now I'm stuck using IE, booo. Anyways, the long awaited Puckster has finally arrived and I'm still at the point where I'm shy as hell of him. Which is funny because he is the same with me, Cherry says it's cute how similar we are. She was feeling sick and stressed out last night so I had her over and we poured affection on her to cheer her up. Love the girl, and I wish more people would tell her how awesome she is.
I wrote somethings on friday night while we were waiting for Puck to arrive and giving him directions. I'll post those in a sec. Giving people directions when you're sure where they are is stressful, for all parties. I still haven't talked to my beau about the way he has been acting, my supreme cowardice is slitting my throat once again. If I knew what would make me more bold, even if it would be painful or scary, I'd do it in a moment. But I don't think there is a quick fix, I have to fight to change myself. Not with people, not with myself, it's more like a battle to climb a seep hill. I have to fight the forces at play, ones in me and ones around me. I know I can do that, I just have to make myself believe it to the bone.
M

Somebody Tell Me I'm Stressing Over Nothing, Please?

I don't need another man in my life who doesn't do what he says or pay attention to me. What the fuck is he thinking? When he says he'll call me does he just forget? Does he get distracted? We had plans today, not just a vague understanding that he would call me and we would hang out. We were going to go somewhere and do something. 'I'll call you in the morning.' His exact words, not that he was really paying much attention to the conversation, but that's what he said. It's almost three in the afternoon now, and it kills me that I've actually been waiting around for his sorry ass. I got a message from work, I could be making a living right now, But I thought he would call me. I'm way too pissed at him to call him right now, and I don't plan on contacting him if he doesn't contact me. Next time I do hear from him, he's in for it. I see him online, he hasn't messaged me, but it makes it obvious that he's sitting there fucking around on his computer while I'm getting progressively more angry with him. If he keeps this shit up after I call him on it then he will fall from my graces, I think this is going to be our big fight. It will be the first and last if he doesn't get his head right.

Stupid boy, I've spilled too much blood, given too much of myself, and cried too many tears over you for this shit.
M

Smoke from the Ears, Made by Friction not Rage.

I have nothing to say really, so here comes a whole lot of nothing.
My guy doesn't get it when I'm waiting for him to stop playing computer games and notice me. Waiting for him to think about inviting me to see him. Price I pay for dating a dork, too distracted to notice what's on the menu for the evening. Of course I'm as bad as him, I could step into the pause were he's focusing on his computer to invite him over, or invite myself to see him. But I see him alot, and I really don't want to be clingy or pushy. For my part, I need to leave him be if his head is elsewhere, I feel guilty enough for draining away hours of his life without inviting myself where I'm not wanted.
He just has this innate way of messing up my head and not knowing about it. I get off of work early and call him up and he's not in the city, fine. So he calls me when he gets back and I miss the call. I finally get back to him and he's only half paying attention to me while I'm talking. He doesn't mean it, but it happens all the time. And when I've been free for hours and am starting to think about all the things i really ought to do instead of wait around for him to be free, and then he doesn't seem to have any interest in spending time with me, it grates my nerves a tad. I know I'm insane, I need to get a life, focus on the right things. I shouldn't be waiting around for him in the first place, much less letting it bug me when he doesn't do the same. I worked the morning and afternoon today, got off at five. I was expecting to be able to spend the rest of the day with him, looking forward to it. It bugs me that I'm not capable of making myself relax, I can't be by myself for a long time without fucking with my own head. I start to think about things I can only guess about, like the thoughts of others, or think about my shortcomings. I spending too much money lately, I can't seem to get through I day without spending five bucks on stuff that won't be around tomorrow. I'm not eating enough because I start to give myself issue with spending money and I have to spend money to eat, no duh. And all I can think about is falling asleep in his arms but I can't tell him that because I'm too insane to be that simple.
Brains need emergency brakes.
I still have this cough, it doesn't react to cough medicine anymore but it's not that bad. Just I bit of a pain sometimes. I got blisters from my walks earlier this week so all my toes are wrapped in bandages. I need to walk on rocks like I did when I was younger, I had tough feet. Maybe I'll take another walk tomorrow, in better shoes. I need to sleep, and take a shower. And my mind is starting to jump around in a kind of lazy random way that prevents me from saying anything of much use, so I'll stop rambling now. I really do need a life, and to able to handle myself without other people.
M

A Good Day, Kind Of.

I made some coffee with my new coffeemaker this morning, it was too strong. I don't really like coffee, I love the smell and I like the caffine, but the taste doesn't do anything for me so I drown it in sugar and flavorings. I'm the girl with the mint or raspberry mocha. I called my beau to wake him but I'd taken too long to get myself together so he was already up. I studied a little while he showered and then he came over to take me to lunch. We shared pancakes, french toast, eggs, bacon, sausage, and hashbrowns and stuffed ourselves. Then we went on a three mile walk. We weren't sure how long the trail was when we started but I suspected it was one my neighbor had mentioned to me. I was not wearing ideal clothes, dress sandals, pants long enough to catch under my heels, and uncomfortable underwear, but I passed up the chance to stop by my house. It was beautiful and sunny but not too hot. We hadn't brought any water and we worked up a sweat on the winding trail. I took us about an hour I think to walk the three miles, the path was wierd and we almost got lost before we finished the last half mile. Now I know how to get to that trail so I'll have to try to walk it a few times a week and bring my dogs. We went back to my house and had some popcicles to cool down, and then heated ourselves up again. I talked him into staying to shower with me before I had to go to work and still managed to go in a little early. At work I started to feel sick, my hands got trembly, I got a headache, and my stomach was unhappy. I figured out that I hadn't drunk much water after the walk or any beforehand. So I took a break and rehydrated myself and felt a little better afterwards. My head was still a little fuzzy and I still felt too warm but I managed til closing. Put back the reshops, cleaned off some registers, cussed about the cart worth of stuff people had stolen or broken and left hidden in odd places around the store, and came home. I finished a sandwich that was still delicious even though it was two days old (Satisfaction's, woot), and had some pasta and a little more coffee. I busted the filter, so it was crunchy coffee. Hehe, oh well. A piece of chocolate for my tired body, and now I have to go wash way too many dishes because I've been putting them off.
I feel good today, even though I made my body do too much this weekend and haven't been eating enough. I went to my folks sunday night and my dad said I looked skinny. He asked me what I'd eaten, and I actually hadn't eaten anything other than the dinner I had with them. Well, except for some fruit and snack food, which didn't count. So he and my stepmom ordered me to eat three meals today, and I did. The weather has been nice and I've been on some walks. I haven't seen my sweetie enough, which was making me a little upset, but after talking to him some earlier and my time with him today I feel better. One of my dogs is looking a little sickly, so I may take her to the vet sometime soon even if I can't really afford it. I don't remember if they need their shots this year or if it's next. I'll have to look at their medical records. My entomology experiment is mostly done, I have to ID something and write a few final entries in my log. I just had a genetics test postponed, yay-ish. That class bugs me to no end. I don't hear anything from the professor or TA until two days before something is due or if there's bad news about something. The notice that the test was postponed was sent four times at once. I have no faith in these people, and I just know their making several times more than me. At least I do my crappy job well and can communicate effectively, they miss both marks. Good thing my other professors are so cool or I'd lose faith in educators, since the last batch was rotten too.
I love my parents.
And my stepfamily.
And my crazy friends, even the ones I don't hear from.
And my beautiful boyfriend.
And my sweet pets, even the fish who likes to try to eat people fingers.
And most of the folks over at GT, especially god himself, and the crazy man who says crazy things that make me want to hug him.
And even my stupid, ugly, insane, obsessive, smart, slobbish, beautiful, wonderful self.
And maybe you too, whoever you are.
M

Crazy Girl

I don't know what he's thinking a lot of the time. That's kind of a big deal to me, to know someone and love someone and not know why they do what they do or what they really think of me. I'm scared of everything, fact is I'm a coward. But little things he does have been scaring me. The pauses in our conversations on the phone have grown longer, while I wait for him to decide what he wants. He doesn't seem to know whether to end the conversation with a good night or an invitation to see him. He doesn't seem to want me as much anymore and I feel wrong being the one to expect and want sex when he doesn't. When I'm in his bed holding him and he sends me home so he can sleep when I haven't been with him in a week I have no idea what to think of it. It comes to a point that makes me frustarated, where I feel like I want him more, where I feel like I'm almost tryng to get his attention in vain. He doesn't call me if I don't call him, I used to wake him up so he wouldn't sleep til noon but now he works more so I can't do that all of the time. He says he'll call me and doesn't, and the next day he says he'll call me to see if he can come over and I don't hear from him. I leave him to sleep when he hasn't had enough rest and has the next day off and he doesn't call me when I wait to make sure he gets all the sleep he can. Tiny scraps of worries are weaving themselves together, even though I fight to tear them apart. I'm not the center of the universe, and I'm obviously not in his head with him. I have let go, he has his reasons, his thought patterns, if I try to guess then I'll only come up with outlandish ideas that make me more afraid.
I want him too much, I can't let myself need him and it's getting dangerously close to that. I can't let him be everything, I can't rely on him so much. I don't want to turn him into another crutch. I just have to speak to him, be honest, ask for what I want, and keep him at the right distance.
M

Dogs and Dreams

I just got back from an hour and a half walk with my dogs. I took them to Duke Gardens. If you know my dogs, the gardens, and kind of day it was, then you'll see it was asking for trouble. Don't get me wrong, I love my dogs, the gardens are beautiful, and it was a lovely day, but the combination was off. My dogs are sweeties, one loves people and dogs and chasing anything that moves and is smaller than her and is also more than a little nuts. She's a Border Collie mix, she can't really help it. The other is terrified of people, and cars, and other dogs that act unfriendly, and is territorial and nervous. She can't help it, she was abused, and Chows don't tend to be well adjusted dogs anyways. So here I have one dog pulling towards people and animals and one pulling away, I have them on a twin leader to balance them out a little, they pull against each other instead of me. And then there are the gardens, they're lovely. Winding paths, open fields, duck and goose dotted ponds, fountains, gazebos, and plants, everywhere beautiful plants from all over the world. Lots of asian plants and things you can't find in every back yard. And today, it was warm but not hot, a little overcast, and breezy. So the gardens were full of people, lovers laying on blankets in the sun, mothers showing small children flowers, college students playing frizbee and ball and walking around, people walking their dogs, people talking in the shade. So my chow was freaking out, as we got farther from home on the walk there she started to get nervous and once we got there she was pulling away from people or just refusing to move if they got too close. She's a beautiful dog so everyone wants to stop and comment on her, they really want to pet her fluffy head and look at her almost human eyes but she doesn't want them anywhere near her. And then my border collie is pulling towards people, wanting to meet other dogs and get her head scratched. But above anything else, what she really wants to do is chase things, squirrels, ducks, geese, smaller dogs, songbirds, fish, frogs, rabbits, anything that will run away from her. So after the half hour walk to get there and walking around the outer edge of the gardens, fighting the dogs to move forward and not chase things and stay on the paths as much as possible, which I'm guessing was another half hour but I didn't pay very close attention, it starts to rain. Turns out that overcast sky meant business. So now people are hurry, horror of horrors, running, towards the exit. And I can't get my dog to move at all. She pulls off into a flower bed and sits down. So I stop and reassure her, because I have a ways to walk so I'm going to get wet anyways and it's not her fault that people freak her out. So I wait for a gap in the outgoing crowd and move forward a little more. A family in front of me notices my dear little chow and slows down to look at her, speaking to each other in chinese. We near the gate and she pulls me off the path and refuses to move. So I wait for another bigger gap and get through the gate. From there to the street isn't far and then it's just cars and rain and crossing the road back and forth to stay on the sidewalked side till we get home. I poured them a great big bowl of fresh water when we got home, they're good dogs, my silly babies. I feel like I got a complete work out, between walking so far and using my arms and legs to wrangle the dogs.
I worked a short shift this morning, picked up one from someone who wanted to go home for the weekend. Four hours feels insanely short after nine hours on your feet a few days prior.
I had a weird dream a few nights ago, it was a really long dream.I don't remember a lot of the details now but there were lots of zombies in it. I was in a house that had several floors of basement that were all crumbling and dusty and wooden, but the upper part of the house was brick. The basement had a big open middle that spanned a couple of stories, like a grand ballroom almost. Thinking of it now the house was pretty much structurally impossible, but whatever. There were zombies at the beginning of the dream that weren't that mean or scary and they spoke and remembered who they had been and didn't try to attack me. But the more of them there were and the deeper into the basement I went the more danger they became to me. Eventually I knew I had to burn the house to destroy them, and I knew that the upper stories of the house would be fine and it wouldn't collapse. So I started burning things, and the zombies got angrier. To the point where I was having to burn them as they came at me and they were trying to keep me from escaping the fire. But I wasn't really that scared of the zombies, even though they were pretty creepy looking and they did want to kill me. They just didn't seem all that bent on it, more like animals of darkness disturbed than flesh eating undead.

Pain and Prattle

My rib is killing me. Two days ago I coughed so hard something didn't go back into place on my left side, for the first day it only hurt when I coughed. I haven't been coughing much, but now it's started to hurt when I move, or lie down, or take a deep breath. I was cuddling with my sweetheart on the couch and I briefly had that side across his leg. Big mistake. One of those things where an injury is not too bad so you don't pay attention to it and you make it worse. I almost couldn't breath from pain when I was getting out of bed this morning. I have to work tomorrow morning, that should be fun. Twisting and lifting with my side like this, it's only four or five hours though, I'll live. But this thing had better heal on its own because there's nothing I can do for it, it's not like I can stop breathing, or even just stay off my feet. At least the cough seems to really be letting go now.
I was checking out my hit counter and apparently only three out of about twenty hits have actually stayed around for more than a few seconds. How can you have a zero second hit? Why do they even count that as a hit? It's not like a page can be viewed in that amount of time. Most of my hits are coming from New York and DC, I also had a few people from out of the country. England, Scotland, India, and Honduras, one hit each. As far as I know only one person who knows me has seen this site. I can't believe anybody else would bother to read it.
Tonight I'm taking the left overs from my fabric sale to the RMO yard sale, donating it for them to sell tomorrow. They're selling it to raise money for a woman who needs cancer treatment, I figure I can't ask for much better than that. And it will probably stay in the community and be used well.
I have a test to study for, but I don't have any will to do so. I have to try, I can't just say I don't want to, that's not how it works. Soo tempting though.
M

I see

I notice everything about him. The fleck in his left eye, the shape of his nose, the freckles on his back, his beautiful arms, his mouth, his ears, his hands, his shoulders, his stomach, his neck, his legs, and hips, I can hardly take my eyes off him. I can recreate him if I close my eye, a deep breath will put me in his arms, a sigh will bring me his smell. I also watch the way he moves, and the way he thinks. I can move to meet him and guess his words before he says them. I thank the heavens he doesn't know how crazy he makes me, because people shouldn't know how perfect they are. There would be nothing left to strive for.