Crazy Girl

I don't know what he's thinking a lot of the time. That's kind of a big deal to me, to know someone and love someone and not know why they do what they do or what they really think of me. I'm scared of everything, fact is I'm a coward. But little things he does have been scaring me. The pauses in our conversations on the phone have grown longer, while I wait for him to decide what he wants. He doesn't seem to know whether to end the conversation with a good night or an invitation to see him. He doesn't seem to want me as much anymore and I feel wrong being the one to expect and want sex when he doesn't. When I'm in his bed holding him and he sends me home so he can sleep when I haven't been with him in a week I have no idea what to think of it. It comes to a point that makes me frustarated, where I feel like I want him more, where I feel like I'm almost tryng to get his attention in vain. He doesn't call me if I don't call him, I used to wake him up so he wouldn't sleep til noon but now he works more so I can't do that all of the time. He says he'll call me and doesn't, and the next day he says he'll call me to see if he can come over and I don't hear from him. I leave him to sleep when he hasn't had enough rest and has the next day off and he doesn't call me when I wait to make sure he gets all the sleep he can. Tiny scraps of worries are weaving themselves together, even though I fight to tear them apart. I'm not the center of the universe, and I'm obviously not in his head with him. I have let go, he has his reasons, his thought patterns, if I try to guess then I'll only come up with outlandish ideas that make me more afraid.
I want him too much, I can't let myself need him and it's getting dangerously close to that. I can't let him be everything, I can't rely on him so much. I don't want to turn him into another crutch. I just have to speak to him, be honest, ask for what I want, and keep him at the right distance.
M