Smoke from the Ears, Made by Friction not Rage.

I have nothing to say really, so here comes a whole lot of nothing.
My guy doesn't get it when I'm waiting for him to stop playing computer games and notice me. Waiting for him to think about inviting me to see him. Price I pay for dating a dork, too distracted to notice what's on the menu for the evening. Of course I'm as bad as him, I could step into the pause were he's focusing on his computer to invite him over, or invite myself to see him. But I see him alot, and I really don't want to be clingy or pushy. For my part, I need to leave him be if his head is elsewhere, I feel guilty enough for draining away hours of his life without inviting myself where I'm not wanted.
He just has this innate way of messing up my head and not knowing about it. I get off of work early and call him up and he's not in the city, fine. So he calls me when he gets back and I miss the call. I finally get back to him and he's only half paying attention to me while I'm talking. He doesn't mean it, but it happens all the time. And when I've been free for hours and am starting to think about all the things i really ought to do instead of wait around for him to be free, and then he doesn't seem to have any interest in spending time with me, it grates my nerves a tad. I know I'm insane, I need to get a life, focus on the right things. I shouldn't be waiting around for him in the first place, much less letting it bug me when he doesn't do the same. I worked the morning and afternoon today, got off at five. I was expecting to be able to spend the rest of the day with him, looking forward to it. It bugs me that I'm not capable of making myself relax, I can't be by myself for a long time without fucking with my own head. I start to think about things I can only guess about, like the thoughts of others, or think about my shortcomings. I spending too much money lately, I can't seem to get through I day without spending five bucks on stuff that won't be around tomorrow. I'm not eating enough because I start to give myself issue with spending money and I have to spend money to eat, no duh. And all I can think about is falling asleep in his arms but I can't tell him that because I'm too insane to be that simple.
Brains need emergency brakes.
I still have this cough, it doesn't react to cough medicine anymore but it's not that bad. Just I bit of a pain sometimes. I got blisters from my walks earlier this week so all my toes are wrapped in bandages. I need to walk on rocks like I did when I was younger, I had tough feet. Maybe I'll take another walk tomorrow, in better shoes. I need to sleep, and take a shower. And my mind is starting to jump around in a kind of lazy random way that prevents me from saying anything of much use, so I'll stop rambling now. I really do need a life, and to able to handle myself without other people.
M