The new and the old.

Three days ago I finally got a new car. I traded in my '94 ford taurus that had been passed down through three generations via inheiritance and bore a big dent on the left side of the rear bumber and a failing transmission for a whopping $250. Not too bad for a twelve year old ford POS. I got my new car and relinquished my old one to carmax, the salesman was a very pleasant personable man with an unpronoucible surname. He even acknowledged the fact that it must be hard for me to trade in a car that had been in my family, I replied that I had kept it as long as I could. Cars aren't things you can keep for sentimental value. My new car is lovely silver '97 Honda Civic, it has a very nice little aftermarket stereo however I must return to have the disc changer fixed because it doesn't work. I'm trying to get used to it's lack of quirks and actual posession of the power a car is supposed to have.
My job still sucks, yesterday three people called out sick, or having car trouble, or didn't call at all and I had to stay on for a nine hour shift. If you're not willing to work than fucking quit and save the rest of us who actually give a crap some trouble. *growl* I really don't make enough money for the work I do, and doubly so if you consider the effort, care, and knowledge I put in every day. I'm not breaking even, and it will get worse when I have to pay for full insurance coverage on this car. I'm trying not to worry too much, just work as much as I can without killing any customers or myself and keep looking for something else.
I'll twenty years old in a month and four days. Where am I going?
M.

Things I'd Say, Again.

If you were my friend, you would have talked to me. If you were my friend you would have told me you didn't like me getting close to your brother when you first saw it. If you were my friend you would have told me what you felt when you felt it, instead of blaming my father and me for mourning my mother. If you were my friend you would have helped me grow past my faults instead of saving them for when we were fighting to wield against me. If you were my friend you would understand that I don't belong to you. If you were my friend you would not press me to speak and then interupt me to cut me down for every word I say. If you were my friend you would know that just because I don't weep doesn't mean you hurt me any less.
I used to think you were wise, I used to think of you as logical. But now I know that you only like to seem to know, you like to use some version of logic to your ends. Now I see that all along you spun me closer under your control, told me make believe when we were kids in which you were always the queen, told me what I should think, played the role of teacher, and let me hide behind you when I was shy. Do you realize how brave I had to be to chose to do what I wanted over what you would approve of? If you were my friend you would be able to see yourself as something other than a martyr and victim of my flaws. And I know how you'll react to anything I say or do, so I guess I know you, but I don't understand the way you think or what you want anymore. I may have made a few mistakes, but I didn't betray you as you claim, and you have been cruel to me.
I think there's something wrong with you, everyone keeps asking me if you're seeking professional help, and I wish you would because I think it could help you. If you think you can tell me I'm a coward but you think I'm a beautiful person, then you're wrong. My thoughts of you are not so grand or sweet anymore, I don't want your forgiveness because I did nothing so unforgivable. If you could be the least bit humble or acknowledge your own wrongs then I could have hope for you. But I don't want the person you're being now in my life, no matter the history or pain entailed.
M.

Business Possiblities

My stepmom came up with a fabulous idea for a business for me to start, it's actually something I thought of doing when I was ten, with a spin. Exotic pet sitting. I have a good base in the care of different animals already, birds, snakes, lizards, exotic cats, and other creatures that have come my way. I worked at the state zoo for three years, and I have plenty of resources available to me to find out what I need about any given exotic pet. I've been looking at websites, if I brushed up my html skills I could build one of my own, make a business card. I looked at rates and people change around 20 dollars a visit, and some kinds of pets need to be looked in on more than once a day.
And my love could help me with the business. The idea is growing on me quickly.
Better to try and learn then ponder and regret.
M.

What I would say if your hard eyes and voice didn't take my words from me.

From the time I was seven years old you were the one who shaped me. As much as my parents ever did you told me what to believe and want and do. When I laughed at the wrong joke you met me with a glare, when I was scared to do something you did it for me or pushed me til I did it myself. When we were younger you invented ghosts and a religion for me and I believed in them. As we grew I followed you and begged you to lead me, to speak when I was shy, to decide when I couldn't. We were as close as two people could hope to be. When I moved farther from you we spoke for hours and saw each other as often as we could. I was far removed from everything there, I had my parents, you, and a few other friends. That was my world. You were not much different, you had your family, your work, and me. We considered each other sisters, you with only brothers and me an only child, we took each other for family completely.
When my mother died I felt like I didn't know how to act, how to live. I felt like no one knew what to say to me or do around me anymore. And that you seemed that way hurt me terribly. So I did my best to be the same person I had always been, to carry on like I didn't need more from everyone, like I wasn't hurting all of the time. And you never asked, never tried to see into my pain. I couldn't drive, I was afraid of the world. My father stopped working and devoted himself to our farm and me, trying to get me to go out into the world more, make friends and learn how to interact with people. I hardly got to see you, and often when I did you had to come to get me and bring me back again. I felt badly for it, I felt burdensome to you at the same time that I was feeling distant to everyone I had always known. You got upset about being the one the have to plan and drive several times and I felt powerless to change it. My father needed my help, my entire world had changed. When my father decided to remarry I suddenly had three more sisters and a brother. And the whole thing drove my mad. My memory of those first few months is a river of tears and a storm of frusteration. And when I was told that I would have to more out of my home and there would be no place for me in the house being redesigned I was heart broken and furious. When our plan to eventually more out together was forced to happen immediately you were upset, you could stay in your home for as long as you liked and you didn't want to have to go out so suddenly into the world. I didn't talk to you about the turmoil I was in, and I knew you were in your own. When we did move in together you spent much of your time back at your parents house and called that home, not our house together. We worked, both disliking our new jobs, and came home to live parallel but seperate lives. When we went out to do things together I felt like we weren;t having enough fun, like part of you was elsewhere blaming me for your unhappiness.
After we had been out of our homes for a month and a half I had barely seen my family and had not spent a night back and you were spend two or three days a week at our house. Your brother had been coming around and hanging out with us, going out with us and your mother. And the two of you seemed to be getting along. I knew that you hadn't been on the best terms when you lived under the same roof, but he had been out of the house for a few years and you seemed to get on better with him since he wasn;t aroung all of the time. I had developed a crush on him a year or more previously, but thought myself foolish for it and a relationship unlikely. So when he took me to lunch and told me he liked me I knew what I wanted, but I didn't know what to do. I knew you weren't happy with him when he got to close to me, and you didn't like it when I flirted with him. When you found out the next day you reacted as I would never have expected. You made him leave and told me you wouldn't be my friend if I was with him. I didn;t know what to say, I felt like I'd been shot. I knew your feelings, but I couldn't give up what I wanted. I know I went about everything all wrong from that point, but I had no idea how strongly you felt about him, how you loathed him. I couldn't tell you I wanted to stay with him, I couldn't say to you that I knew I would love him. I couldn't tell him how much he was like you and how he made me laugh and amazed me by how much he loved me. I was afraid to speak to you, to let you see me with him, to breathe wrong in your presence or say his name. But you never told me, you never told me how he had hurt you, you never told me how he had failed to be the brother you needed. And I never knew that you had such a low opinion of him. I knew he fought with you, I knew he had his flaws, just I do. but I could see the beauty in both of you, I could see the places where you were the same and the places were you were different. And I know I did things wrong, I didn't know how to handle my first relationship, let alone one my best friend and sister didn't approve of. But the way you reacted to everything, the way you treated me, made me stop feeling like I knew you. Like you knew the answers and could be trusted with anything. The way attacked everything I tried to say, and even critisized me for not crying enough, broke my heart. And I can't say anything you won't hate me for, and everytime I've spoken to you since you left I've been left hurting. I've sobbed til I can't breathe for to long in my life. I don't know if I can trust the people I love anymore. But I do know that no matter if you wanted to be my friend again, we couldn't go back to how we were. And I couldn't trust you to not hurt me. The truth is, I don't want you back. If you want to be civil with me, or him, then it's up to you. I won't speak to someone who snaps my heart with every bitter word they say.
M.

Vacation

I just got back from a very brief, but highly needed, beach trip. Prior to the trip I was having all kinds of body pains from stress and had been sick with a cold for longer than usual. We drove down to Emerald Isle on Thursday after I had a job interview. The drive was about three and a half hours long but it went fairly smoothly. Except for when we accidently ended up in a military base. We were in the far right lane and there were two exit lanes. They were stopping people to check IDs and whatnot and we were like 'Umm, can we turn around?', the guy looked around and told us to go ahead. We thought it was pretty funny. The beach house was one that my love's friend's family rents for a week every year, he and his wife and two kids were already there along with another of my love's friends. We got there at about seven in the evening and only the kids were there, everybody else was out for dinner. The 'kids' are actually about my age, but hey, I'm someone's child too. We hung out for a little while and then went for a walk on the beach. It was really windy so I could barely see how pretty it was because I was fighting to keep my hair out of my eyes. The temperate was nice and the water was warm even though it was kind of cloudy. I got my pants all wet from the knee down even though I rolled them up. We walked back to the house on the sound side of the island and then left to find something to eat. We went nearly the length of the island and couldn't find much, we passed four dairy queens and a bunch of surf shops but there weren't even any seafood buffets. We followed a sign for a Bojangle's off the island but ended up eating at a Wendy's instead, where we got free samples of the new vanilla frosty! *gloat*
God, I'm boring myself to death. S'okay though, no one will ever read this far.
Anyways. When we got back the guys went out to play poker on the porch and I hung out with them. They smoked cigars, drank beer, farted, and talked about computer games. Boys are fun. ^_^ I sat on the back of my baby's chair and watched him play cause I still don't know how to play very well and don't want them to have to teach me. I'm just shy or something. We stayed up till about three, I was falling asleep on his arm by that time. He didn't win, but oh well. We slept on a pull out sofa that made a lot of noise so I woke myself up rolling over a few times. I slept in til eleven and then we went to the grocery to pick up stuff for breakfast and lunch, almost everyone was still asleep when we left. When we got back we ate and went out to the beach. It started sprinkling as we crossed the road to the beach side of the island and was raining on and off the rest of the time we were out there. my baby and I, his friend and his friend's wife, son, and dog all came out with us. They took turns watching the dog on the beach while the rest of us swam. We went out just past the first breakers and it looked like there was a sandbar or something farther out because there were bigger waves breaking out there that died before they got to us. The waves weren't very big, the guys rode the bigger ones to shore but I just let them carry me a little. My love got his arm messed up by being thrown by one of the waves, it's still hurting him. The guys were going to go out to the bigger breakers so I came out. They ended up not going out, they got in trouble for trying to, and I ended up watching the dog for a while. Out of the water with the rain falling it was really cold. I saw a sea urchin spine and caught a bunch of sand fleas, but I only found one coquina. I always used to find tons of them when I was little. My baby found a hermit crab in a long spiral peach colored shell with the tip broken off, it was really neat. The son came out to watch the dog and I went back in. After I got back inm I didn't warm back up from being out. This huge school of tiny fish came right near us, they changed the color of the water there was so many of them. Several of them would jump at the same time in the same spot and it looked like a bubble of fish popping. The birds didn't realise they were there because they didn't want to get that close to us, with good reason. A brown pelican dropped down on top of them and scooped some up and the guys all started cheering at him and he flew away. My baby found two more hermit crabs and also found the first one again twice. I could tell because it was the same color and size and the tip of the shell was broken the same way. We stayed out there for about three hours, got a few good waves but I mostly just enloyed being bobbed by the water. We went back showered and got lunch. We watch the first and second Ghostbusters movies and then they started up dinner. My love's friend made 'house burgers' which is aparently a tradition. They were really good, I want to get his recipe. :) He put onions and green peppers in them. After dessert and all we watched some Freaks and Geeks and then the guys started up poker again, I didn't join them right away but after a couple episodes I went to watch them play. They didn't have any more cigars left, thank goodness. They only played till one thirty and my baby was up when they stopped. We had to be out of the house by noon the next day so we spent the morning packing up. After we said our goodbyes and cleared the place out we went to the public beach to see if we wanted to swim again before we left. It was cold cloudy and rainy so we decided against it and and found a little seafood diner for lunch. They had a cool little courtyard in the middle of the dining room that was exposed to the outdoors and they had a box turle in it. After we ate we went to a couple surf-gift shops looking for some henna, the first one's artist was out for the day. We found one and I got a scorpion on my hip, damn thing cost almost fourty bucks. I need to learn to do it myself. It turned out pretty cool though, nice and dark. I drove about half way back and my love drove the rest of the way. When we got home we brought all bags in and took a nap. We got home at fivish and i slept til nine. Oy. So yay, we finally took our beach trip after a year of saying we wanted to. I brought home a few shells and have a henna tattoo to show for it. It fun, even if it was short.
M.

Personal Degradation

A few days ago I saw a girl I had to write about, I didn't do it when I got home that day and I forgot again after that, but I still remembered from time to time over the last few days.
Have you ever seen something you knew was real but couldn't quite believe it? That's what I felt like looking at this girl.
She had too much eye makeup and overdone nails, I don't remember what her shoes looked like but I could barely stand to look at her. She was wearing gray knit shorts that were shorter than any I had even seen anyone wear in public and a bright pink shirt cropped off just below her breasts. Everything about her literally screamed 'trashy', in fact her shirt had that tootsiepop owl on it and the message 'Lick three times and bite.' I found it unbelievable that someone could degrade herself that much simply with the way she chose to look.
I have always been someone who holds judgement based on appearance aside and wait for a person's actions to speak for thier character, but to dress herself like that was an action I couldn't put my mind passed to think that she could be something other than what she obviously intended to put forth.
She just left me with an icky feeling for even having to look at her.
M.

Bang bang.

I fired a gun for the first time in my life today. It wasn't as scary as I expected, my elbows quaked a little but it didn't kick as much as I thought it would. I fired one fifteen shot round into a target and managed to hit it a decent number of times, maybe five misses. I want to get my aim fairly reliable. I learned how to clean the gun too, a Glock 19, brand new and stiff.
I was nervous about the idea of it, touching it, having it around me. Philosophy contrasted gut feeling, but now that I've seen it all taken to bits I can feel as well as I think that it is just a tool, a piece of metal and plastic, made for an end that its user dictates. In the hands of smart, good, strong people there is nothing about it to fear.
I picked blackberries on the edge of fields, and missed the country and nature terribly. It has been so long since I was outside at night somewhere without lights. I miss the smells and tastes of the seasons passing.
I picked a dozen ticks off of myself and my boy when I got home, one thing I haven't missed, and washed the poison ivy off my skin.
Then I went to work. Not enough people were working and the ones who were there were not the best ones to close with. I didn't have watch on so I didn't prompt the office assoc. to do the right things at the right times to get us out of there on time. No body walked the store to put things up and look for out of place items, they ended up keeping the stockers late so they could do it. And when it was down to me and one other cashier she left her register and stood around while I checked out the last customers and tried to clean up the front as well. When I asked her to clean off the registers for me since I was still working my register she wiped a little at the one in front of me and then left and I had to completely wash down her register and the reemaining ones and empty all of the trash. Very few people at my store actually do there work and make an effort to have some teamwork. Maybe two or three in each position, a few cashiers, a few office people, a few baggers, and a few managers.
Hell, I know none of us get paid much for the shit we have to do, but that doesn't mean you can't have a little self-respect and care about your coworkers.
Anyway, I'm home now. But I have to work tomorrow, so boo. I have to finish my chores tonight, but I'm gonna goof off a little first.
Play some WoW, rehydrate my body from this hot day, fall asleep on my keyboard.
Sweet dreams internet land.
M

Consuming Myself in Flames, Ignored

I want him more than he wants me, and it hurts to know it. Maybe this is what love becomes for a guy. Maybe this roaring in my heart is supposed to dull to a purr, but it doesn't want to. When he pulls away from me it breaks me heart a little. When he asks me to get off his lap after he's been on the computer all day and i'm missing him. Or when he says we should get some sleep when I kiss him goodnight. The way he moves my arm off of him and moves away from me in bed, every time he turns his back to me it breaks my heart a little more.
And still he does sweet things for me, still he says he loves without being prompted, still he wants me now and then and misses me when I'm gone for any length of time. But it doesn't feel the same.
He can keep his hands off of me, he doesn't love me more than once in a night, he doesn't tremble for me, or look at me quite the way he did.
My expectations are high, my desires strong, but how can that be a flaw?
M

Humans.... whatever

My life has changed so much from less than a year ago. I now have very few friends, and many people I call friends who I know aren't really friends to me. I have my lover, and Shadow, and one old friend who still does her best to keep in touch with me and misses me terribly. All of the others either dilliberetly don't contact me or have simply forgotten that I exist. I have me part in it, I was busy for a long time, getting used to being on my own and learning my job. None of them tried to get up with me in that time. And now that a year will have passed this month and some of them spoke of meeting up and never followed through with it, I feel like it's the right thing to do to let go. it still makes me a little bitter, but time changes things, life changes things. I have two friends now, that's better than none.
Last month one of my old friends birthday passed me by. I thought about him the day before, and the day of I thought of calling or sending a card or emailing, but I ended up thinking of him all day and doing nothing to let him know it. I didn't even buy a gift and hang on to it for when I see him (if I see him).
Another friend was finishing up highschool, her mother was my friend as well. I didn't hear from them for a long time but I knew they were always busy people. Finally she contacted me and let me know when her break was, I told her tolet me know when was best to meet up and I'd work around her schedule. I didn't hear from her for a while, so I figured whatever, she'll let me know if she wants. Next email I got was from her to all her friends letting them know she was in Mexico and doing well.
All of these childhood friends and long time second mothers, I think it's time for us all to find our own paths. I need new friends, new points of view, a new life. As much as I have changed, I think they all still think I am the same girl I was years ago.
Anyways, I've got to go hop in the shower. Ta ta .
M

Quick Rambling

I'm about to go to work but I feel like blogging a bit in the next three minutes, hehe. So here are some random observations from the last few days...
The woods are beautiful, even those stuck between suburban streets.
I know a lot about botany and edible plants, more than I really think about knowing.
Spontanious shower sex isn't easy, some things aren't suposed to get rinsed away. (TMI I know :P)
Girls can too have stronger libidos than guys.
People are weird when it comes to sex.
Clouds are awesome.
Working just to break even sucks.
Now I'm going to be late, so farewell till tonight.
M