The Story of the Day I Changed (not for the faint of heart)

It will be three years ago this April, six months and about twelve hours from my birthday, a Sunday, the day my mother died. We were driving home from a farm tour, my father driving, my mom in the front seat, me directly behind her, and farming stuff we had gotten on the seat beside me. We were talking and laughing, playing a car game and listening to the radio, I think my dad was winning the game. It was seven, early dusk for the region and time of year, it would be a few hours til it was really dark. A deer came down the slope on the other side of the road, running into the oncoming lane. My mother saw it a warned my father, he started to brake. An on coming car came around the slight curve and hit the deer, an SUV. The was launched into the air towards our car, twisting as it flew. I saw it's eyes. I blacked out on impact, I felt the glass and blood fly around me, but through a haze, and I didn't see anything. When I opened my eyes my father asked if I was okay and looked at my mother. He yelled her name. The chair had been flung back and the deer was on top of her. There was blood everywhere. My father started to opeen his door, the car was rolling, it had been partically stopped when the deer hit us. He put on the parking brake and pulled the deer off of her, into the road. He came around and started trying to see if she was breathing, trying to clean her off so he could revive her. He tried to use the cell phone in the glove box but the batteries were dead. He shouted to the stopped cars and someone had already called for help. The paramedics didn't take long to get there, I don't remember how long my father tried before they got there. I sat in the car trying to hold my mother's head still while the paramedics worked on her and tried to get her out. She wasn't breathing at first, but then she was choking for air. I stayed until I couldn't stand it, til fear was making me clostraphobic in there. I got out of the car and went to answer questions with my father, give information about medical history and what happened. I started to feel overwhelmed again and sat down on the pavement. A paramedic helped me up and took me to an ambulance, they took my vitals and asked me if anything hurt and such while I tried to watch what was happening with my mother. They air lifted her to the nearest hospital while I was in the back of the ambulance. A trooper told us we should go home and get cleaned up, that we wouldn't want to come like we were. Blood spattered and glass coated. A neighbor took us home and my father told me to get in the shower. I cried there, washing the glass from my hair, I started sobbing so hard no sound would come out. I was so scared. After my shower, while my dad washed himself off, I put together things for my mom to wear. A new pair of shoes, clothes, an old pair of glasses. I remembered seeing her glasses, one lens broken, in the back windshield of the car. We drove to the hospital and saw the trooper who had been at the scene, he told us people were looking for us. My dad asked why. I think he found the doctor, or maybe not, I don't remember. Anyways, one of them told us she hadn't made it. I tried to crumple there in the hall, I hadn't even let myself fear it for more than a second. my father caught me and they took us into a side room, tissues on every table. That's what this room was for. We waited, a chaplain came and we sent him away again. Neither my father nor I are relgious. Doctors came and took us to another room and explained what had happened. Massive trauma to her entire torso, she stopped breathing in the helicopter and didn't start again, they tried to drain blood from her lungs and revive her but it was just too much damage. They had some paper work to fill out, asking us a few things, the woman who filled in the cause of death asked if it was all from a deer. At some point someone gave me water and I drank it. They took us to see her. She looked yellow and too still. they had cut her clothes from her and cleaned her up, she was covered in a blanket. There was blood underneath her and on the floor. Her hands were still as soft as always, but there was no warmth in her cheek when I kissed it and told her I loved I her. my father stroked her hair and told her he was sorry. A friend of ours, my mom's best friend, her daughter my best friend, were called to drive us. I forget what point they arrived at, but I remember the look of shock on my friend's face and I remember her sitting with me in one of the rooms while my father talked to someone somewhere else. There was a counselor there, she talked to me and I think my dad too, she asked me a few things about my mom. I remember when she asked me if I needed anything and I said I was fine she said no you aren't. It shocked me, but it was very, very true. She told me the things people will tell you when you're in pain, people who've dealt with people in pain and know what needs to be said. She told me and my father to take strength in each other before we left. Our freinds took us to there house, I think it was my choice, but it might have been both of us. My father made calls, to family and such. I cried so much I eventually ran out of tears and just sobbed. When we went to bed my dad went to sleep in the guest room and I couldn't decide if I wanted to be with him or not. I lay down in my friend's room but couldn't sleep, I ended going and sleeping with my dad. I don't think i really slept much, but I listened to him breath, and snore, for most of the night. As long as that sound continued I could be okay, or at least hold together enough. After the first bout of crying, the week or two were everything hurt even just being, I didn't really cry much. I never have been a person who cries. We stayed there for a few days, my father conducting arrangements, me just trying to catch a clear breath and be with him. Evetually we went home, I think we slept in the same bed when we went home too, I couldn't bear to be on my own. Family came and stayed with us before the memorial as did a friend of mine. At the memorial I met lots of people my mom had known who I hadn't and people who I had known who I hadn't seen in a very long time, some who hadn't met her but had heard a lot about her or had only known her briefly. I was told by someone there that I was a woman now, that I would shocked at how this would make me grow. And I have been. It changed me more than I know, more than anyone around me can see. I think about her all of the time, even when I don't really notice it. For the longest time I kept a list of everything I needed to tell her that she had missed, and I probably still do on an unconcious level. I hope I have the best of her in me, and I wish she could see me. The things I have and will do, the advice I need from her, I wish she could be there for all of it. It hurts to think that some day when I have children I'll have to tell them about a grandmother they can never know. As I experience things for the first time I think about how I wish I could talk to her about it. I'll never stop missing her, but I'll never stop being thankful for her either.
I'll have to check for typos after I dry my tears.
M