Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Walking Old Footsteps

I went to the arboretum seeking solice in familiarity, but that was not what I found by and large. I recognized the fence outside, some of the trees and plants along the road, but once I turned into the parking lot it was a different place. I remembered an enterance that made me feel like it was deserted, a zigzag enterance that was made for lines to form in, vines and plants crowding around to welcome as I came in. There were two buildings I had no memory of, one had a courtyard with a beautiful waterfall fountain and memorial bricks in the patio, and the other was a small visitors center with a bulletin board and pamphlets more like I remembered. There were horticulturists and interns from the college everywhere, planting, weeding, and mulching. Lots of new plants were being tended near the front of the arboretum and some places were blocked off for construction. I found some of the places I rememered being in with my mother, older gardens, some of them not yet woken from winter. The crepe mertles I had climbed in, that had been so old and towered so high, were gone. I found one, smaller and a little younger, in a little Japanese styled garden. I kissed its trunk. I found a garden with stepping stones over water that I remembered, and a garden with a platform gazebo who roof a tree trunk pressed through. And, happily, I found the rose garden. Full of buds and hopeful young leaves, one or two varieties were blooming. I'll have to go back later when more of them are open. There were so many redbuds and wisterias, I had no idea there were that many different kinds. Every breath brought me a dazzling combination of sweet smells. I was reluctant when I had to hurry home to feed my bird.
M

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Madness

You are the wind whipping the tops of the trees. You are the beauty that sneaks up in me. You are the present that lives consumed in its glory without a thought of tomorrow. You are the rock love songs that make me smile and move my blood. You are a little bit of romance and a little bit of honesty, a little youth and a little wisdom. You are all I want, you fill my every waking thought and sneak through my dreams. You are the fire that consumes me, and the sea that washes my tears from me. You are the madness and the sanity, the disease and the cure. You are my love, my own dear heart.
For B.
M

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Nevermind the Answer. What is the question?

This morning he asked me a question I had heard rolling around in his head for a while. I was catching my breath, waiting for my heart to find its proper pace, and I saw that look on his face. The look of words almost forming themselves in his throat. So I asked him and he said nothing, but then he asked me anyways. The way he said it is one of the factors, and I know I overanalyze. He said that since we were sleeping over so much we should move in together, and when I replied by asking him if he thought so he said why not, trying his best to keep it light. And I know why he does that, he tries to keep something important he says seeming only half serious because it would be too heavy to leave his mouth otherwise. I know from the way he's teased and danced around and alluded to the subject so many times that he didn't just bring it up without thought, he knew what he was saying. But that in itself makes me nervous, posing it lightly when it feels anything but. And I want to say in reply to his why not, why would it be a good idea? And the thing of it is, my fears aren't about him. Even the ones that have everything to do with him aren't about him. I've had so much heartache and my life has been in such turmoil that I don't know if I could heal from another upset, scars haven't finished forming from the last one. And I'm afraid of letting myself place him in my life as a constant because somehow I think if I do that then it will not be true. I'm a shy person, I even have a hard time voicing things to those close to me, and recent years have made no improvements on that. I don't know how I could keep him and love him as I want to, being this way. Many small things occur to me, I don't know where I want to work, or go to school, I don't know if I could adjust to his habits and he to mine. But he said, we have to find out. And I think he could convince me, if he realised it. Because I would love to trust that it was safe to fall asleep in his arms, cook breakfast together, plan our day together. I can't imagine anything feeling more peaceful. But there are doubts, and that fact alone is enough to stop me from daydreaming too wildly.
M