Thursday, June 28, 2007

Georgous Uncertainty.

In less than a week I leave on a plane to visit a man I have never seen face to face before. I have known him for about six months on the web, talked to him online for hours, and on the phone for hours on top of that. I don't feel that he's a stranger at all, but I am aware that I don't know him well. I have no hesitation in this, no doubt about what I'm doing. If I am with him for a little less than a week and he decides I'm not what he wanted me to be, or I decide he's not as remarkable as I was convinced he was, than so be it. Better to know, better to know his smell and taste and feel and never know it again than to ache for him and never know. If it makes me a bad woman to do what I do and choose what I choose, than I can live with that fact. I don't have to be good, I don't have to live as I'm expected to. I won't regret my misdeeds, but I shall learn from them always. He's so beautiful, not just in body, but in mind and heart, that I know however long I'm allowed with him will be something I cherish. I can work out the future once I know more than the simple, blinding fact that I want him.
So here's to latest adventure in this little life of mine.
M.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I'm Only Easy on the Internet.

Ok, so that's a complete misnomer, I don't think I would ever call myself easy. What I mean to convey is that the internet is such a easy place to live dangerously, no one can touch you, your actions don't have to come back on you. And there are so many people, sometimes it feels like you can get all the world in one room having an intimate little chat. Because there are so many people who can feel free to express what ever they wish I find that there are numerous people I would love to have the chance to fall for out there in the world wide web. Sadly none of them are extremely close to my physical location, and in fact some of them are quite far away. People often caution that someone you meet on the internet will probably either turn out to be not at all as amazing as you hoped, or to be a psyco killer/rapist/freak. I have a friend in real life who I first knew on the internet from a great distance away, and he's just who I believed him to be, I've known people for long periods of time via the internet and considered them as much friends as those I saw face to face regularly. I'm not an easy woman to get, but I can be an easy woman to love, the thing I find the most endearing in another person is how much they love me. That's not all it takes to win my affection, but it's a big weakness of mine. These people I adore, part of my affection towards them stems from the look on their faces when they speak to me, or the warmth in their voices.
M.

The Same Words, Again and Again.

I have finished moving out of my old place, the lease ended last Saturday and I was there until midnight cleaning without power or company. What a way to end things. My ex provided little to no help with the clean up and waited till the last minute to have his stuff out of my way for me to clean the place. Typical. When he was there he hovered over me and watched me, stared at me more accurately, and occassionally said random innane things that he seemed to consider chitchat. Shadow told me she didn't want me alone with him, ever. Puck made fun of him and grumbled about him, in turns. I'm just happy to be free. I've been asked about the details of why I left him by a few people, mostly ones who don't know me too well, and I really can't go into it. It makes me too uncomfortable to go over, Shadow knows the details, and Puck in so much as she has told him and I have told him which is probably not all of it. Both of them would react violently if he were to try to touch me, let alone harm me. My father and stepmom don't know the details, they know some of it, what I could handle telling them, but they will probably never know some of the deails. It may be healthy to speak your trials, but that's only true if it won't cause you more harm than good to do so. And I will talk about it, when I'm far enough away from this moment to feel safe recalling it. Until then I have my life to carry on with.
M.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Happenings.

I've just returned home from work and am quite tired, but I feel like rambling about recent goings on in my life regardless. At lot is happening at my workplace right now, but none of it seems particularly good. We got a new assistant manager and I already don't like her, both of my team leads were fired and/or forced to quit (one was arrested. craziness), and several other new employees have been hired. I have only met two of the new people, one I immediately deemed rude because she neither greeted me nor introduced herself to me, and the other seems nice enough but is already seeing how much working there sucks so I fear she'll leave even having just started. My store manager is a jerk, to the extent that my customers tell me they're sorry for me. My assistant manager can't seem to manage mornings worth a damn, she comes up with the worst order to do things in and makes time consuming suggestions while doing nothing herself. The floor crew seems to think she's ok, but I don't think she's good for the front of my store. I'm going to talk to the vet one of the team leads I lost suggested and see if I can get a job there, even if it's part time.
I have my desk and chair moved into my apartment, however I don't have the desk put together yet. It's still in pieces in my livingroom. I'm going to try and take care of that tonight. I think a few car loads and truck loads will finish my moving, then I have to let the ex know that if he doesn't have his shit out by a enough time before the lease ends for me to clean the place then I'm hauling it all to the dump.
My rat pups are growing steadily, they're fully furred and will soon be opening their eyes and starting to wreck havoc in my house I'm sure.
I need to learn that night is for sleeping, even typing it out I don't buy it...
I'm taking a vacation at the beginning of July, I'll be away from home for Independence day so I'll have to find some fireworks to watch somehow.
I have to have everything out of my old place and have it clean by nnext Saturday. Oy.
M.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Go ahead and call me crazy, I do.

On Sunday morning I came into work to open my store. I work in a pet store so we go in a few hours before opening to care for the reptiles, birds, fish, and small mammals that call the store home until they go home with one of our customers. I started my tasks and a coworker came in and began to help me. I was working on one small animal cage while he did another when he started freaking out. He locked up the cage and backed away quickly as I came to see what the fuss was. One of our adult female rats had given birth in the night and nine tiny pink babies lay in a pile. We seperate our animals by sex, those that aren't spayed and neutered anyways, so I checked all of the rats and there was no male in the cage by then so someone had realised their mistake at some point. Or intentionally put males and females together and then seperated them again. Regardless, the end result was a bunch of rat pups. I set up a cage in our back room and transfered the babies and identified the mother and moved her back with them.
The guy who takes care of our reptiles in the mornings feeds the babies to monitors and snakes when an unplanned birth such as this happens. I'm not sure why exactly, but I felt a particular empathy for these poor little creatures, doomed to be born one day and dead the next. I had also been intending to get myself a pet rat soon, I asked my manager if I could take them, she said just don't bring them back. At the end of my shift I tried to talk myself out of it and failed, bought a water bottle, nestbox, and bowl, and brought them home in a paper box. I set them up in a tiny plastic cage I had sitting around, too cramped for a rat however she was doing nothing but tending to her babies so she could manage in a small space for a few days. I read up on the best foods and got a rat book and settled in to watch them grow. And grow they have. A full five days old now they have the beginings of fur and I can see what colors they are likely to become.
All told I have ten rats. As far as I can tell at this point, two little boys, seven little girls, and their mother. When I look for homes I'll look for commited homes that will take two of them. They're social creatures.

I'm mad, totally and completely crazy. But I knew that already.
M.