Moving Forward

Yesterday was the one month mark at my new job (note; I did not say anniversary because 'anni' comes from annus which is year in Latin and would be a horrible misuse of the word /end prattle). I think my honeymoon period is beginning to wane. From my first day I did not exactly feel welcomed, I'm not sure if I'm missing something and stepping on someone's toes or if some of the people there are just crabby. Very, very few of them even introduced themselves. Granted I could have introduced myself instead, but I am a shy creature and their brushing past me as though it was not important to know who I was set me to not inform them of who I was. I am beginning to figure out who is who, especially in so far as who I can ask for help or knowledge without being sneered at. I keep out of the way and try to learn what I can. I worked with the son of one of the Techs yesterday and was not too fond of him. I did not loath him but I do not expect to enjoy working with him. He griped at me for not remembering to mark one chart, meanwhile forgetting to mark several himself. He was rough with the dogs he didn't like and spoke badly about nearly all of the animals are referred to. He yelled at me when a dog got loose before bothering to find out I didn't have it running around for the hell of it. I will probably not have to work the same shift as him often so it doesn't bother me much, but first impressions cannot be made over. He and the older guy I work with seem to have a bit of a feud against one another going on quietly, and considering one of them has been nothing but nice to me I can't help but side with him a smidge. I found out today that the reception manager is the stepmother of one of the receptionist/kennel assistants, and while the reception manager is about to move out of state I can't help but feel that all these relatives working together is to my disadvantage, and possible future discomfort if someone decides they have it out for me. For the most part however, I feel I am learning and that everyone will be easy enough to work with I have my duties in the kennel fairly well figured out I'm just getting into the habit of them now.
That's all for now.
J.

workworkwork

I must be starting to sound like a broken record because every time I work my part time job the theme of all conversation thereafter is "I'ma choke a bitch."
I work at a pet store full of people who don't know and don't care about animals. Being a person who is extremely passionate about animals I find myself want them all to go somewhere and die on a daily basis. I would not trust any one of the stores managers with one of my own pets for a single day.
The perfect example of how screwed my store is would be the new manager my store manager promoted. She knows nothing about any kind of animal, has never had any pets, is afraid of most animals, does not even have retail experience to fall back on, is totally unprofessional, and seems to be completely devoid of anything resembling intelligence. But she does know how to kiss ass a little. I have had to close with her for the past three nights and have had to talk myself down from killing her each time. Tonight instead of helping me with closing tasks she sat in the office and waited for my to finish and come sign paper work. Earlier in the evening she fussed at another associate for cooling his heels.
The cats who reside in our store to get exposure for the foster agency they belong to had not been cared for in more than two days, their enclosure was filthy and they were attention starved and fighting with one another. I cleaned, watered, and fed them but did not have time to give them much attention.
No one else in my store had noticed this. I am quite certain they could have stayed that way until when I work again next week and they only would have done something if a customer threw a fit or one of the cats died.
I am going to arrange a meeting with my district manager to tear open the belly of this store and show her the parasites lurking there. I hate being one of the only ones who care. The others who care are seconds away from walking out as well.
I'm so glad I have a new job I like. I can't wait to get out.

National Pride, or What's Left of it

I am proud of this nation, where I was born and continue to live, for choosing the president elect they did. I am just as proud to have not voted for him. I have too much respect for the progress we have made on matters of race as a country to let my vote be influenced one way or another by the race of a candidate. I will be proud to have a biracial man as my president, and will look on hopefully to his future actions in his post. I predict a challenging road for him and wish him wisdom and luck.

I am also proud of the state where I live for after thirty years of being a red state, choosing this election to turn blue even if it was by one of the closest margins in the nation. A quarter of one percent I've heard, not sure if that is the finial number or not.
I liked this guy more than the other one anyway.

J.

Maybe, Maybe Not

Maybe this is how I deserve to be treated.
After all, I am not a good woman.
But maybe, if it is, I would rather be alone

Muddler

I'm all a muddle. Of feelings that is, my thoughts are quite to the point.
I was fantasizing about him, I had myself worked up to the point that I was about to do something about it when he contacted me. I was excited to hear from him, my thoughts of him and him asking me to get online seemed perfectly in time. I got on and spoke to him, greeted him and mentioned my mindset. He was disinterested, talking to people I seldom talk to and don't typically get on with for whatever reason. It seemed he had summoned me because he was flirting with other girls and wanted me to join in the conversation. I wasn't attuned to the conversation so I didn't have much to say.
So he started flirting with the girl he knows I can't stand. The one person in the room I've told him time and time again disgusts me. She not bad to look at, but her personality makes me want to vomit, or slap her.
I was instantly no longer interested in sex, or him from association with her. As he continued to seek the attentions of this girl, and others in the room, essentially going on and on about how he wanted to fuck all the girls present or known by the group (neglecting to mention me, naturally), I want back to researching my fantasy for a bit, ignoring him and checking back to see what was being said. After a bit I was so upset and put off that I diverted to a fantasy that didn't involve him and flat out ignored his attempts to rouse me into conversation, only answering direct questions as shortly as possible.
The thing of it is, this is becoming regular behavior.
And this when I'm about to purchase event and plane tickets to spend more than a week with him.

And then I was thinking about the man I was with before him, and that did nothing for my mood either. I was unkind to him because I felt offended by things he did, and I shut him out without explaining to him or trying to fix it first. I got a phone call from him a while ago and I feel funny for not returning it. I wish I had stayed friends with him, but I think I fucked that up too much to mend it now.
In a way I think he and I are to similar to have gotten along like that long term.

I snatched a mosquito out of the air, the fact that I was able to do it startled me.

M.

Hm.

I've decided not to make him decide, I think it's best.
He still seems to not be that interested in me, he calls out of habit mostly I think. Talks about nothing, shares nothing, sometimes even sits with the line open saying nothing at all. He doesn't notice my moods, or even really my presence. I don't think he's especially attracted to me anymore, his eyes light when others show interest in him but he doesn't pay any heed to my pleas for his attention.
And the most fascinating part is, it doesn't trouble me that much. I love him dearly, there is no denying that. Sometimes more than I can bear to love him. But I think that he should have what ever he wants, I think that he should have things easier than this. I don't want to hold him back from the possibility of anything better. At the same time I don't want to hurt him if it can be helped. I may think he's better off away from me, but I don't want to inflict the pain of pushing him away.
I think I know what I will do though. I'll make it simple for us both.

Endings?

All I sense is endings, I feel like I can't hold on to anything I want to. Or perhaps I feel that I shouldn't, that if it is meant to end I must let it... for everyone's sake. I don't know if I have the will to make new connections, no one seems interesting, or honest.
Maybe I'll end up like her, building a life I enjoy and sharing it with no one.
I have this voice in the back of my head telling me, oh so matter of fact-ly, that I should end things myself since I see it coming to make it easier. Easier on me by being the one in control, easier on everyone else by being the bad guy. I very quiet hopeful voice tells me that I'm being silly and things will work out, that I'm only being pessimistic. I can't find a way to trust that, it just never seems to work out for the best.
All the worst comes to pass, weather you dread it or trust it will never happen. I thought I could trust people again.
Maybe I was right all long. Maybe I am better off alone.

A B. A. D. Bad Day

This has not been my week. My workplace has been on my back and everyone there has been tense and critical. I have been tired and keeping to my self. I took my dogs in to the vet for their annual check up and because I was a little concerned about my chow's eye after a fight with my border collie. My border collie had lost nine more pounds since last year when she was found to be underweight. So onto better food and a rich supplement she went and blood tests where sent out. Everything came back normal so I brought her in for another blood draw for more testing. My chow's eye was examined and an ointment given to me, I applied it as directed and brought her back for a recheck. Her eye looked worse so they did a pressure test and found it to be high. So I rushed her off to the vet school to have the eye looked at by their specialists and they were the ones to tell me that she is blind in her right eye and may need the eye removed in the future if the medications I was given today don't help reduce the swelling and make her comfortable. I found out that chows are prone to glaucoma, which I was not aware of because I had found it impossible to find books on them in any local stores. I'm heartbroken for my babies, I love them so much that it hurts to see them growing old and going through these things.
At the moment I just feel like curling up with a half gallon of ice cream and crying.