When I came into my father's house as soon as my stepmother laid eyes on me she asked if I was in love. I answered simply, yes. As I took a seat she remarked on how happy I looked, and when my father left the table she whispered questions she didn't want him to hear across the table. After dinner she and my stepsister and I went back into my stepsis's room and she asked me about the visit. I fould myself smiling broadly and repeat the same giddy phrases over and over. She told me she hadn't seen me like that over my ex, asked me everything she felt she needed to know. Then my father traded places with her and asked me questions about him sternly. I answered him til he could think of no more. I tried my best to convey how happy I felt.
When I described him to Shadow after I had met him and spent some time with him face to face as perfect, I did ot use the word lightly. It holds a great deal of power. A generally impossible goal, there is no perfect circle, no exact match, everything is always a few microns off. Yet as an idea it exists, and in my completely subjective heart, I feel it absolutely applies to him.
When I was with him and he had to pull away from me, it did not break my heart. For all that it hurt not to be able to be nearer to him, I felt no rejection in that action. I could hear in his voice, feel in his touch, and see in his face that if he had any other choice he would be squeezing me closer not asking for room to breathe. And while I wanted desperately to be near him ever second I could, the obvious fact made it far from an insulting thing to have to draw back from me. Every person who has ever pulled away from me in anyway in the past has wounded my heart, but he only made it ache. He asked me to talk to him, tell my stories while he couldn't hold me to him.
And as soon as he was able to bear having me close again he made up for those moments of distance. Being with him was as perfect as he himself. I think one major factor of that for me was how badly I was longing for him by then. His every touch was bliss for me. When he was inside me… to find the words. He amazed me, my body answered his as a perfect counterpoint, I wanted to scream my ecstasy to the skies. Perfect.
I miss him so horribly.
M.
