Sunday, April 26, 2009

Memory, Mine and Others.

I spent much of the past two days talking to an older fellow.  He brought me to tears many times, and quite easily, but I enjoyed the time speaking to him very much.  He told me plainly things most people don't have the wisdom or bluntness to express.  He spoke to me about my father, my mother, the past, my future, and many other things.  And when I cried I was not the least bit sad.  He was intuitive enough he know, and frank enough to say things about me and my family that I know already, but somehow need to hear out loud.  He reminded me to keep close to my father, to look out for him because he's bad at worrying about himself.  He told me he feels he knows my mother through my father and I.  He told me she would have been happy to see this day, people touring the farm she helped my father plan.  Said he thought she probably had a hand in the timing of it, and I can't help but agree.  He talked to me about my plans for the future, and was the one voice to counter those I know here who tell me I shouldn't move North.  I helped him design the carving of a walking stick he was making to pass the time and he told me matter of factly that he would probably be completely blind within a few years.  He commented that I am more insightful and wise than most of my generation, to which I had to reply that I can't stand most people my own age and have kept the company of those older than me since I was a child.  

Looking at the things he makes I was overwhelmed with the desire to learn to do them as well.  Not really for the crafts themselves, though I admire them and they look enjoyable, but more to spend that time learning more than trades from him.  Perhaps gaining some of his blunt wisdom from the time.  Listening to him talk about this area made my worry for the time when there is no one to remember what he remembers.

I was thinking about my mother, as we spoke of her and as I looked around at all the things there that remind me of her.  The peonies that were her grandmother's, the trees she raised from cuttings, her roses everywhere. I was I could remember her better.  My memory has been faulty for years, but there are some things that I can't stand having forgotten.  

I have to find things to keep me busy tomorrow I don't want to go into my second job and let the day slip away, but I don't want to spend it rotting in my own head either.  

Anyway, I'll stop this disjointed rambling now, good night interwebs.
J.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Revealing Facts Already Known

At my office's staff meeting today we had a vendor representative come in and do a communication style activity.  She used cards with words on them to group us into four little boxes on an axis.  I found it far more telling on the groups attitudes towards each other than the way they interact.  One of the doctors and the majority of the assistants and receptionists were "Green".  The practice manager was "Red".  The other doctor, one of the receptionists, and a tech were "Blue".  We had no one who fell in the "Yellow" category.  When she had us move so we could see what group we fell in, the three people in the blue group attacked me for joining them.  "You're not a blue."  "She the quietest person here." And so on.  The Rep "rescued" me by saying well maybe you're more like that in *social* settings.  We can pretend that.  

The reality is that no one speaks to me and I make a point not to speak to anyone else so they truly have no fucking clue what I'm like, at all.  I'm not comfortable in my place there so I don't speak up when I don't have a reason to.  When ever I ask a question or make a statement I'm attacked by virtually every person there.  So no, they don't know how I communicate because they never communicate with me.  

If we had done that same exercise at my part time job the employees there would have immediately recognized me as fitting that group,  my friends and boyfriend would as well, my family might not because I've changed a lot since I was living with them.  People who actually talk to me, who interact with me beyond them telling me to do something and me doing it for them, they would recognize that I am direct and determined.  

Towards the very end of the meeting we went around seeing if we knew the names of peoples pets, spouses, kids, and what not.  One person knew what breed one of my dogs is, and she didn't even get that completely right.  For every other person at least half the staff knew their pets names and breeds, most of them everyone knew.  I knew at least half of the pet names of even the coworkers who have six or more pets, but no one knew the names of my two dogs.  

I was well aware before of the fact that I'm not a welcome part of the group, and not considered part of the team, but it was a moment of realization to just how much I am unwanted there.  It pisses me off because they never tried, they never welcomed me, they never tried to get to know me.  I immediately was designated as someone who does not matter.   And why share anything with people who have decided you don't matter anyways?

The fact that I'm a dynamic human being who is not at a constant polarity to set traits aside, of course...

I need a new new job, this new job is getting old fast.  

J.