National Pride, or What's Left of it

I am proud of this nation, where I was born and continue to live, for choosing the president elect they did. I am just as proud to have not voted for him. I have too much respect for the progress we have made on matters of race as a country to let my vote be influenced one way or another by the race of a candidate. I will be proud to have a biracial man as my president, and will look on hopefully to his future actions in his post. I predict a challenging road for him and wish him wisdom and luck.

I am also proud of the state where I live for after thirty years of being a red state, choosing this election to turn blue even if it was by one of the closest margins in the nation. A quarter of one percent I've heard, not sure if that is the finial number or not.
I liked this guy more than the other one anyway.

J.

Maybe, Maybe Not

Maybe this is how I deserve to be treated.
After all, I am not a good woman.
But maybe, if it is, I would rather be alone

Muddler

I'm all a muddle. Of feelings that is, my thoughts are quite to the point.
I was fantasizing about him, I had myself worked up to the point that I was about to do something about it when he contacted me. I was excited to hear from him, my thoughts of him and him asking me to get online seemed perfectly in time. I got on and spoke to him, greeted him and mentioned my mindset. He was disinterested, talking to people I seldom talk to and don't typically get on with for whatever reason. It seemed he had summoned me because he was flirting with other girls and wanted me to join in the conversation. I wasn't attuned to the conversation so I didn't have much to say.
So he started flirting with the girl he knows I can't stand. The one person in the room I've told him time and time again disgusts me. She not bad to look at, but her personality makes me want to vomit, or slap her.
I was instantly no longer interested in sex, or him from association with her. As he continued to seek the attentions of this girl, and others in the room, essentially going on and on about how he wanted to fuck all the girls present or known by the group (neglecting to mention me, naturally), I want back to researching my fantasy for a bit, ignoring him and checking back to see what was being said. After a bit I was so upset and put off that I diverted to a fantasy that didn't involve him and flat out ignored his attempts to rouse me into conversation, only answering direct questions as shortly as possible.
The thing of it is, this is becoming regular behavior.
And this when I'm about to purchase event and plane tickets to spend more than a week with him.

And then I was thinking about the man I was with before him, and that did nothing for my mood either. I was unkind to him because I felt offended by things he did, and I shut him out without explaining to him or trying to fix it first. I got a phone call from him a while ago and I feel funny for not returning it. I wish I had stayed friends with him, but I think I fucked that up too much to mend it now.
In a way I think he and I are to similar to have gotten along like that long term.

I snatched a mosquito out of the air, the fact that I was able to do it startled me.

M.

Hm.

I've decided not to make him decide, I think it's best.
He still seems to not be that interested in me, he calls out of habit mostly I think. Talks about nothing, shares nothing, sometimes even sits with the line open saying nothing at all. He doesn't notice my moods, or even really my presence. I don't think he's especially attracted to me anymore, his eyes light when others show interest in him but he doesn't pay any heed to my pleas for his attention.
And the most fascinating part is, it doesn't trouble me that much. I love him dearly, there is no denying that. Sometimes more than I can bear to love him. But I think that he should have what ever he wants, I think that he should have things easier than this. I don't want to hold him back from the possibility of anything better. At the same time I don't want to hurt him if it can be helped. I may think he's better off away from me, but I don't want to inflict the pain of pushing him away.
I think I know what I will do though. I'll make it simple for us both.

Endings?

All I sense is endings, I feel like I can't hold on to anything I want to. Or perhaps I feel that I shouldn't, that if it is meant to end I must let it... for everyone's sake. I don't know if I have the will to make new connections, no one seems interesting, or honest.
Maybe I'll end up like her, building a life I enjoy and sharing it with no one.
I have this voice in the back of my head telling me, oh so matter of fact-ly, that I should end things myself since I see it coming to make it easier. Easier on me by being the one in control, easier on everyone else by being the bad guy. I very quiet hopeful voice tells me that I'm being silly and things will work out, that I'm only being pessimistic. I can't find a way to trust that, it just never seems to work out for the best.
All the worst comes to pass, weather you dread it or trust it will never happen. I thought I could trust people again.
Maybe I was right all long. Maybe I am better off alone.

A B. A. D. Bad Day

This has not been my week. My workplace has been on my back and everyone there has been tense and critical. I have been tired and keeping to my self. I took my dogs in to the vet for their annual check up and because I was a little concerned about my chow's eye after a fight with my border collie. My border collie had lost nine more pounds since last year when she was found to be underweight. So onto better food and a rich supplement she went and blood tests where sent out. Everything came back normal so I brought her in for another blood draw for more testing. My chow's eye was examined and an ointment given to me, I applied it as directed and brought her back for a recheck. Her eye looked worse so they did a pressure test and found it to be high. So I rushed her off to the vet school to have the eye looked at by their specialists and they were the ones to tell me that she is blind in her right eye and may need the eye removed in the future if the medications I was given today don't help reduce the swelling and make her comfortable. I found out that chows are prone to glaucoma, which I was not aware of because I had found it impossible to find books on them in any local stores. I'm heartbroken for my babies, I love them so much that it hurts to see them growing old and going through these things.
At the moment I just feel like curling up with a half gallon of ice cream and crying.

Undeserving

When I am thinking darkly I give myself a reason to feel bad. If I've had a bad day, or someone has been unkind to me, or I have not been especially understanding. I become overly sensitive and snappy, I am cruel to those who deserve it least. I make what ever wrongs the day has left me stinging from my fault so I can loathe myself rather than feeling crushed and helpless. If someone hurts me I hurt them back doubly so I become the cruel one. I make myself all the more undeserving of what I have.

Birth

Tomorrow (today) is my birthday. I'm not counting myself as twenty-one yet because I was born at seven in the morning.
Here's what I plan for my birthday. Get up around ten, take my dogs for a long walk, even if it is raining. I'm thinking of going into the graveyard up the road, incredible with my love of them that I haven't done so before. Come back home and take a long shower, dress up for the day and start on my cake. I will bake the cake and frost it, then go pick up Shadow from work. She will decorate the cake since she has more flair for such things. We'll go get RL and head out to Umstead Park, meeting my father and stepsister there. The lot of us will hang out and have cake. I will, I imagine, be given presents. After these festivies have finished we will go to the nice Japanese resturant near my house and I will devour my weight in sashimi and sushi. Merriment will be had, I may have a drink, if they have sake or something else appealing, I may chose not to. If I don't have to work until noon the next day then RL will stay over and keep me up all night. Even if she does I will take my leave of the group in the evening and talk to my love for a while before the day is done. I will bask in the love I have, and revel in the day.
M.

Belief

I have been asked a few times what I believe, and have never had the chance to answer. So here goes. If this makes little sense then so be it.
I believe in chance and intention. That our wishes and fears have more hold in our lives than most see, but chance takes the rest. Intention will bring you your dreams, but chance may strip them and more from you or give you more than you dreamed. My intention have brought me much, as has chance. I believe, as I have since I was young, that there is something in the elements. Life is the only word that seems close, magic is a more common one. I do believe in magic, in some much as it can be applied to what cannot yet be explained. I don't believe in magical beasts, as much as I have tried over time. Dragons, elves, werewolves and the like do not dwell amongst us. As much as I have wished it. I have a concept of personality to things I do not really believe to be sentient. Like rain, the moon, trees, wind, and fire. I don't exactly believe in souls in the usual religious sense, but I believe the energy of a person exists after they die, since energy can neither be created nor destroyed, only passed from form to form. Whether that energy exists strictly in the tissue of their bodies or in a more ghostly form depends on my mood on a given day. I have seen and heard ghosts before, so I have a hard time completely laughing them off. I don't believe in rebirth, I don't believe the world is particularly just or unjust. I don't believe in good and evil, there is cruelty and kindness in the world but nothing and no one is all good or all bad.
I should be sleeping now, so I will cut this off. If I think of more I wish to say I will post an addendum to the subject.
M.

Bliss.

When I came into my father's house as soon as my stepmother laid eyes on me she asked if I was in love. I answered simply, yes. As I took a seat she remarked on how happy I looked, and when my father left the table she whispered questions she didn't want him to hear across the table. After dinner she and my stepsister and I went back into my stepsis's room and she asked me about the visit. I fould myself smiling broadly and repeat the same giddy phrases over and over. She told me she hadn't seen me like that over my ex, asked me everything she felt she needed to know. Then my father traded places with her and asked me questions about him sternly. I answered him til he could think of no more. I tried my best to convey how happy I felt.
When I described him to Shadow after I had met him and spent some time with him face to face as perfect, I did ot use the word lightly. It holds a great deal of power. A generally impossible goal, there is no perfect circle, no exact match, everything is always a few microns off. Yet as an idea it exists, and in my completely subjective heart, I feel it absolutely applies to him.
When I was with him and he had to pull away from me, it did not break my heart. For all that it hurt not to be able to be nearer to him, I felt no rejection in that action. I could hear in his voice, feel in his touch, and see in his face that if he had any other choice he would be squeezing me closer not asking for room to breathe. And while I wanted desperately to be near him ever second I could, the obvious fact made it far from an insulting thing to have to draw back from me. Every person who has ever pulled away from me in anyway in the past has wounded my heart, but he only made it ache. He asked me to talk to him, tell my stories while he couldn't hold me to him.
And as soon as he was able to bear having me close again he made up for those moments of distance. Being with him was as perfect as he himself. I think one major factor of that for me was how badly I was longing for him by then. His every touch was bliss for me. When he was inside me… to find the words. He amazed me, my body answered his as a perfect counterpoint, I wanted to scream my ecstasy to the skies. Perfect.
I miss him so horribly.
M.